But What Now?

I’d like to temper the post I made yesterday. Things that I’ve thought about since then include

1. we need money
2. we need purpose
3. we could get both from our employment
4. that would be great!
5. maybe there is no pie in the sky thing we could be doing every day
6. but wouldn’t it be nice if there were
7. I have lots of things I’d like to do
8. but no time
9. do I need to wait until retirement?
10. or can I work on being more focused now?

Aha… focus. Some mornings for me (especially Mondays for some reason) I have so many things I want to do, I end up feeling completely overwhelmed. That’s a damn shame, really, because if I only allowed myself the freedom to respond appropriately to incoming requests, I could probably achieve a ton more than I presently do and I’d be much less stressed.

I took a course from Eben Pagan called Wake Up Productive a couple of years ago. I think I need to retake it. What he taught was truly priceless, even though the course only cost me around $300. I looked for it, it doesn’t look like he’s selling it anymore – it anyone knows otherwise, please let me know. It was a great course.

We have habits, we have the choice to respond and we have so much time in the day. We need to decide what really floats our boats and then do the work to create habits to focus on those things.

I’m old enough to remember life before PCs in every home, email, message boards, online games, facebook, and twitter (notice the progression there). Life was slower then and maybe I was a little bored, although I did enjoy drawing on real paper with real pens and pencils with real tools before Autocad, but then again, I would not currently have the nice paying job I have managing computer systems and storage, so I guess you lose some and gain some, right?

Most have heard of take back the night. Well how about a movement to take back the day!

My sister in law is 26 months from retirement. Her agency has decided to put her in the worst job of all for the rest of the time she’s there. Why, I ask again, do we go to work?

Let’s face it, we’re all slaves to the dollar. All of us, even those of us who work for ourselves. We’re all ultimately slaves to the dollar bill. It’s cool that sometimes it all meshes and you get to make money doing something you love, or at least enjoy doing, or maybe just find interesting and a good way to pass the time.

It’s a major shame that our nation is currently reeling in a recession and people are freaking out. I often think that the greatest shame is our lack of imagination and our willingness to continue to believe that somehow our government officials and employers are responsible for our well-being and happiness.

I write from a place of knowing this first hand. I’m in a job that thankfully has improved in the last year and I’m enjoying my time at work. But, if I had my druthers, I would be doing something different. Why do I stay at my job and why does my sister in law stay at hers? Easy…

We both work for government agencies that offer pretty decent retirement packages as long as we stick it out and follow their rules concerning age and time in service. If you make it to go, you collect $200 every month for the rest of your life.

It’s better than it was at the turn of the 20th century when children worked in factories. Ok… However, and this may be so radical to be impossible to take in, we have a long way to go.

The information age is a whole lot better than the industrial age so I really think we’re getting there. Sadly, one aspect of the information age is that blowhards make so much noise and stir people up at the very basest levels of their beings that it’s the old one step forward, two steps back scenario.

Let’s rejoice the one step foreward and keep moving in that direction. Viva la retirement, and above all, viva la personal freedom and creativity and joy!

If you could be anything you wanted to be when you retire (i.e., grow up), what would you be? It’s a fair question. When we were young, we had a chance to be whatever we wanted to be, at least that’s what some of us were told, but most of us chose the path of least resistance, i.e., studying to be something that had the greatest possibility of getting us an income. Granted there are plenty of people who are working in their dream jobs. I’ve mostly done ok with my choices, but I’m still working for someone else.

How many of you wanted to be an artist or an actor? I got to be an artist when I worked as a draftsperson and I got to be an actor when I acted in community plays. I know I can chose to do that again. What about a beach bum? Ah, bum rap that one, let’s call it something else. Professional surfer, anyone? How about clam digger?

The unfortunate truth all too often is we “become” something we’re totally not suited to be. How many of us really dreamed we wanted to sit behind a desk and take orders from a clueless bureaucratic boss? I’m thankful that my career path didn’t head down that direction entirely (only sometimes).

When you retire do you have dreams of doing nothing at all? Maybe becoming a monk or a nun spending all day meditating will be your ticket then. I only say this because I hear that some people are terrified of having nothing to do once they no longer work. It’s like we lost our ability to choose personal direction.

These days it’s likely that you and I will need to continue to bring in money doing something because sadly our retirement accounts have lost money. I don’t want to work the rest of my life in a job that isn’t fully! satisfying. I have a timeline I’m willing to do that, but at a prescribed time I am prepared to leave it and do something else.

Luckily for me, I enjoy some of the things I do. I especially enjoy the technical part of my job. I don’t enjoy the red tape and other unmentionables I won’t go into here. I also love creating websites, which I do in my off-time and I think I might even enjoy writing more once I have some real time to do it.

How about being a rock musician? I remember when I was around 10 years old my father asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I stupidly said a rock musician (or something like that). He told me to sing him a song right then and there and prove that I had what it took. I sang a Beatles song. I remember it was “It Won’t Be Long.” Interesting choice, huh? At least it wasn’t “Not a Second Time.” And, for some reason, I was terrified of failing. That I was given this one opportunity to make it real and I blew it. We’re so fragile that way when we’re young.

But, alas, now we’re older and wiser and we’ve had all this time to dream about what we’d rather be doing, or we’ve been spending our off-hours doing what we’d rather be doing than what we’re doing at work.

Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.

Ellen Goodman has always been one of my favorite syndicated columnists, probably because she writes so brilliantly about feminism and social change. In fact, she’s been covering the feminist beat since the beginning of her career in the late 60s. The 60s and 70s must have been an exciting time for her, but I’m writing today to reflect on her last column printed in today’s paper. She is retiring.

In her final column, Ms. Goodman is reclaiming the phrase “letting yourself go.” She asks where will you go when you let yourself go? I can think of a few places I’d go when I can let myself go. I’ll go for a long walk on the beach, I’ll go to the movies, I’ll go soak in the tub, I’ll go have lunch with new friends, I’ll go walking downtown, I’ll go play my guitar for hours, I’ll go write some songs, I’ll go hang out in a bookstore, I’ll go play with my cats, I’ll go outside and pull weeds… Gee, I guess I’ll go do whatever I want and better yet, I’ll relax into possibilities I haven’t even considered yet!

While it’s true that I can and do all of those things mentioned above, I don’t often because my life is filled with responsibility and focus on a job and career I still enjoy. Ellen Goodman is looking on her career as a great gift. To leave a career with gratitude for what it brought allows us to open up to appreciate any and all new possibilities waiting around the corner once that focus fades.

She quoted herself in a column written when she was 30 years younger. She doesn’t give a context for why she wrote it at the time, I suppose I could Google it and maybe find out, but it stands alone as a timeless testament to any transition and I will quote it again here,

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over – and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives.

It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out.

The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well. It’s hard to recognize that life isn’t a holding action, but a process. It’s hard to learn that we don’t leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout of the office. We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves along — quite gracefully.

And so it goes, may you have a lovely and fulfilling retirement, Ellen.

I’ve had retirement on my mind for many years now. I remember now that many years ago retirement was probably the furthest thing from my mind and something I thought I would probably never actually be eligible to participate in. I’d worked for the Postal Service for a year in the early 80s, but wasn’t much into the whole career thing then. I was busy having fun.

Then I worked for myself for many years in between jobs working for state government as a library technician. Every time I left a government job, I cashed in my retirement fund and went on my merry way. Then I got a job with the federal government again when I was 39. Even then I didn’t believe I’d actually stick with it long enough to retire.

Looking back, though, I realize that I’ve been gearing myself towards “retirement” pretty much my whole working life. In other words, retirement for me is working for myself, but not worrying so much about the income – and saving for retirement!

Working for myself means I get to call the shots, create my own hours, work with who I want and on what I want when I want. Some people think that’s pie in the sky crazy talk. If it’s crazy, let me be totally nuts because I will be “retired” one way or another at some point in the not too distant future if I live long enough. And this is true for most people.

Bottom line, and the point for writing this post, is that I think we get all caught up in how much money we’re supposed to have before we can retire. I’d probably drop dead of a heart attack in my current job if that was the case (or I’d work there into my 80s, which I surely have no desire to do).

Question is, do I let my job and my income define my life or do I allow myself to be fully alive and define who I am moment to moment? Dream or reality? Reality or dream? No dice, it’s my life, and I’ll do what I want (kudos to Eric Burdon for that line).

What is isolation, anyway? In Wikipedia I find solitude, a social state and isolation (psychology), a defense mechanism. Well, I guess the state of my social wasn’t so great the other day and I so I wrote a ditty on isolation, which, ok, was definitely a defense mechanism. For what? Whatever, we all have days like that. Truth be told, even though I work from home, which I love, by the way, I spend most of my day on the phone or solving technical problems or answering IMs and fixing stuff. I’m definitely not isolated. And I have a new kitty. She’s cheered me up immensely.

Wikipedia’s definition of solitude is pretty grim,

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation.

Thankfully, this sentence is followed by something a little more positive, which is more how I think of solitude,

Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

The definition of isolation psychology is very specifically stated as,

In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, isolation is a defence mechanism, whereby the person “isolates” the unpleasant idea from the normal emotional response. For example, describing a murder in graphic details without an emotional involvement invokes isolation.

However, in my twisted head, I see describing myself as being isolated was a defense mechanism against the feelings that were coming up around current and past friendships and relationships. Ah ha!! Anyway, I felt better after writing it, so it was worth it for me.

And in closing, I think it’s cool to get a deeper understanding of other people’s feelings and thoughts and what better way to do that than through song lyrics!

John Lennon had his take on isolation in his 1970 song of the same name,

People say we got it made
Don’t they know we’re so afraid?
Isolation
We’re afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home
Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
Trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation
The world is just a little town
Everybody trying to put us down
Isolation

I don’t expect you to understand
After you’ve caused so much pain
But then again, you’re not to blame
You’re just a human, a victim of the insane

We’re afraid of everyone
Afraid of the sun
Isolation
The sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years
Isolation

Ten years later, in 1980, Joy Division also wrote a song called Isolation. I really like these lyrics,

In fear every day, every evening
He calls her aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Painstaking devotion and love

Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

Mother, I tried, please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

But if you could just see the beauty
These things I could never describe
These pleasures a wayward distraction
This is my one broken prize

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

You’ve got to be careful. You think it’s so great to work from home but you never see anyone. The only way you relate to co workers is on sometimes very complicated phone calls. You can’t see anyone’s face but often you can hear their frustration. Or worse yet silence until you prod them to please speak up. I’m not saying it’s always that way, but too often it is.

Then you get onto Facebook to see what your “friends” are doing, but they’re pretty much just playing games like Farmville or the garden one and you’re not interested. Old friends (people who really used to be friends) find you here and “friend” you, but it all peters out because they’re in their life and you’re in yours and you live far away and even if you don’t it all feels so disconnected.

Some of your co-workers friend you on Facebook, so now you feel weird posting anything relevant to your life because if they didn’t think you were weird before, they will now. So you stop posting on Facebook altogether.

Your family isn’t much help. The ones that are still talking to you are pretty busy and besides so are you so you don’t talk much. Except to Mom, thank god for Mom. If it weren’t for Mom, you’d never know what the rest of the family was even doing, not that it’s great hearing about your poor nephew getting arrested again, but still.

Then you think you’re the only one who has these feelings. To make matters worse your best feline friend up and dies on you. You do your best to communicate with her on the other side but it’s just not the same as being there. When you’re feeling really isolated and alone she’s not there anymore to remind you how much you’re loved.

So on and on it goes. This post is tongue in cheek, of course, but take heed, for isolation is lurking about wanting to eat you up whole bones and all and no one will ever know the difference or wonder where you went.

It seems like that’s what I get these days in lieu of actual communication with friends. So, this will be a short and sweet post, mostly commiserating about ‘the way it seems to be these days.’

First there was people talking to each other (believe me, this is something I actually experienced in my own lifetime). People actually met and talked. Or went to work and talked, or stood in line at the bank and talked or waited for a bus and talked. Ok, that’s probably still going on, it’s been a long time since I’ve taken the bus (because I work from home and maybe that’s why I’m writing this post).

So, when we wanted to talk to our parents or our high school buddies, we racked up a great big long distance bill. But then came email and so we didn’t need to talk so much and we could save money by just sending emails back and forth. And it was quick, not like writing a letter (does anyone do that anymore???).

Then cell phones became really popular – I remember being in Singapore in about 1999 or 2000 and being at a really fancy restaurant and all they GUYS were talking on their cell phones and we commented to each other that it’s really taken on here because number one, it’s where they make these things and number two, it’s because they haven’t got the same infrastructure as the US. Maybe we were somewhere in Malaysia.

So, flash forward a couple of years and we’ve got our cell phones (I’ll admit it, we were holding out..). So now no more long distance charges to call Mom. Then I move to a second location and still feel the need for a “land line,” because of my security system, so I go with an IP phone (my first one was with what’s their name, oh yeah, Vonage). Now no matter who I call from whatever phone, no phone bill.

So, maybe I talk to Mom more than I used to, but to everyone else? Email is mostly for business and spam. A couple or three years ago I created a Facebook account as part of an internet marketing class. I had no “real” friends, just IM classmates. Now, again, fast forward a couple of years and suddenly I’m friends with people I haven’t seen in years. But are we really friends? Not sure. People seem to be more fond of playing games than talking to each other.

Communications are down to sound bites (I guess we should have expected this all along thanks to TV commercials and political ads dating back decades…). Even when I email someone now I get back a 2 word sentence, if I get a response at all. Twitter bites, Facebook bites, something bites anyway.

I got more relationship from my cat, which is probably why I miss her so DAMN much. Anyway, she’s coming back, but that’s a different story. In the meantime, I’ll quit grousing about all this. As people are fond of saying these days, it is what it is.

I returned a week ago today from a 3 week trip to Myanmar (Burma) with a few days on the end in Bangkok. Every time I travel or even get away from my “real life” for more than a couple of weeks, I come back changed in some way. Taking time off, really getting away for more than 2 weeks (at the very least) is vital to recharge my batteries once in a while.

I get my 3 week vacation once a year, that is the best one. We always travel to a place we haven’t been before along with some places we have, like Bangkok. Work responsibilities are the farthest thoughts in our minds, if we think of them at all. That is so important. I know too many people who leave work for a vacation and end up bringing their jobs with them. That is not a vacation and that is not getting away.

Taking time off clears your head of all your day to day noise. Traveling to a completely different environment really facilitates this because nothing is familiar your thoughts are directed elsewhere and you become (at least I do) more fully present in the moment. Just about every time I’ve traveled, I’ve allowed myself more quiet time and when my mind becomes quiet I am open to receiving new ideas and thoughts about new directions I might take in my life.

I remember making decisions about finishing a college degree years ago after spending a couple of mostly solitary weeks in Boston while my sister worked. And when I got back, I enrolled in classes and 2 years later I had my degree.

A couple of times, many years ago when I was unemployed, I knew I needed to get away and rethink my life so I got in my car and drove. The first time was shortly after I first moved to Seattle, I got on I-90 and just started heading west. I made it all the way to Chicago before turning back. I was going to go and visit my family in Connecticut, but a voice in my head told me it wasn’t a good time. That voice turned out to be very correct, my parents were in the middle of getting a divorce.

Another time I got in the car with my dog, Hannah, and headed for the Oregon coast. I stayed in inexpensive cabins on the beach and spent my days walking along the vast dunes with Hannah having the time of her life running all over the place. When I returned each time, many things changed in my life.

When I left for this trip I was feeling very sad about the loss of my cat, Bangs, so it was also very good to not have to deal with work issues. But, the best thing was I had time to connect with her spiritually, I really felt her with me in these strange new places. This was also a way for me to focus and get quiet. What’s interesting to me now that I am back home is that I really felt her presence at times in these strange places, more so than I have since I’ve been back.

So, what do we do to re-capture the sense of quiet and also the sense of adventure that taking a long vacation gives us? One way is to meditate. This is something I’ve known for a long time and I’ve had varying degrees of success practicing meditation. Well, another gift my sweet cat Bangs has given me is the goal of learning animal communication. And guess what you need to do to get quiet? You need to meditate.

So, I recently bought a CD on beginning animal communication by Carol Gurney and at the end of it she has a wonderful guided meditation spoken in a dreamy, calm, quiet voice. I allowed myself to listen and sit through it for the first time this morning and it really worked. So, for me, this is how I am going to approach meditation and getting quiet and relaxed every day. I will set aside the 15 minutes needed to do this every morning and in time I will get better at it.

Other ways you can quiet your mind is to do tai chi or yoga or even just exercising, like walking somewhere every day or most days. Before I left for my trip, I’d stopped exercising. While we were in Myanmar, we visited new places which required lots of walking and even climbing. When we were in Bagan, we climbed old brick and stone stairs barefoot to the tops of ancient temples. Not only did this require amazing focus so we didn’t trip and fall. There were no buildings codes in Pagan when these were built and one riser could be twice the height of the one before it. And when we returned to our hotel, we felt our bodies. We felt very alive, albeit with tired feet!

Bottom line, plan wonderful vacations, get quiet time, love yourself completely, focus on the present and be kind to yourself always.

I’m not crazy about the title of this post, but I wanted it to reflect as clearly as possible what the post is about and maybe help others find it someday when they need it. When Bangs was dying and as I was struggling with her end of life decisions, I found a few wonderful articles that others had written while going through the same thing. We’re never alone in this. I also received much comfort and support from friends on Facebook, co-workers, family and the incredible staff at the veterinary hospital where Bangs was a patient (and a very good one) for the second half of her life – or maybe it was her 10 lives.

We made the decision on Monday morning, just 2 days ago, to bring her in and say goodbye. She had stopped eating completely. When she lay on my chest that last night she looked at me and I could see the pain in her eyes. She could no longer walk very well and she hated the subcutaneous fluids. I still have a little bite mark on my chest to remember that by. Bangs was always a very assertive cat, some might say demanding… she always let me know when she wanted something.

I brought her home in June of 1990 when she was a kitten of about 6 weeks old. Her first act after arriving to her new home was to freak out at the sight of our 2 German Shepherds, Hannah and Lucy, who where in their pen at the time. She leaped out of my arms, throwing herself against the pen and then she ran off. We thought we’d never see her again. But she didn’t go far and came back shortly.

Because we lived on kind of a busy side street, I wanted her to be an indoor cat. She was very clear with me that that wasn’t going to work. She loved the outdoors. Because the dogs took up residence in the mud room (it truly was a mud room with those 2) by the back door, I couldn’t put a cat door there, so I opened a hole in the bedroom closet and put it there. She was free to come and go as she pleased. I learned from my neighbors that she was always careful crossing the street and they’d see her blocks away sometimes.

She was also really good at catching birds and mice. I got pretty good at catching birds after awhile because she enjoyed bringing them home for me. Once we heard noises coming out of our cupboard where we stored mugs and glasses only to find a small sparrow in there had shit on about every glass in the cupboard. Usually I was able to save them and send them on their way. Then there was the time she brought a rat into the house. Once she got it home she no longer cared about it. It took me 2 weeks to catch that rat.

When she wanted to look outside she learned to bat the narrow Venetian blinds with her paw and look at me. I trained her well, the blinds always got pulled up for her. In 2004, I moved about 3 hours south during the week for my job and Bangs came back and forth with me. She was a great traveling companion and loved her new fenced in back yard. I’d let her out there knowing by then that she couldn’t scale the fence. She loved it so much that in the early morning she’d bat the long vertical blinds on the sliding glass door in the bedroom and make an amazing racket. Those were times I did not let her have her way, but it never swayed her from trying.

And heat, this cat loved warmth. When she we lived in the first house, she’d sit on the registers on the hardwood floor and just meditate with the heat blowing up onto her. When we moved to the house I’m in now, she found comfort in front of the fireplace and in front of the registers on the wall. When we first moved in here, Sylvia cat was here. Sylvia liked to walk in the duct work and gave Bangs a good scare when she showed up face to face with her through the register. When we moved down to Vancouver, I had a gas fireplace. Once Bangs learned that all I needed to do was flip a switch to get the fire going, she’d just go sit there in front of the fireplace and look at me until I turned it on. Here at home, we’ve stocked up on 4 hour firelogs for years. She rarely went a night without a fire.

This past April our bathroom remodel was completed with a heated floor. She found a favorite spot to lie on it and I still expect to see her there when I go into the bathroom. She also loved laying outside in the sunshine and miraculously, we had a very long spring and summer this year. I really think it helped keep her alive a little longer because once it started getting cold and rainy, she really began slowing down.

Bangs was always very soft and cuddly. She loved being held and kissed on her soft little head. Her fur stayed soft and silky until the end, although in the last couple of years she couldn’t groom herself as well and I needed to comb out the mats more often.

As I write this, I realize that I can’t do justice to her long kittie life in a short blog post. There are so many stories I could tell. At some point I may go through her early pictures and scan them in and create a Bangs photo chronology. For now, writing this post, I am remembering her when she was healthy and alive. She began being treated for kidney disease in 2001 and held steady all these years. She was an amazing little girl with an unlimited store of love and charm and personality. There will never be another Bangs. I’m pretty sure that one day I’ll get another kitten and we’ll bond into a completely different relationship. And Camille, our 4 year old cat, is thankfully here full of love and warmth and spirit. She keeps looking for Bangs in all her usual places. This morning I saw her look behind the door in my office where the heating vent is.

For now, I’m imagining Bangs running with the birds and the butterflies, playing with Hannah and Lucy and Ferter and Sylvia, being carefree, joyful, and free with no more pain. I miss her like crazy still and wait for time to heal this emptiness as I know it will.

But What Now… holds a deeper, more poignant meaning for me these past few days. The cat who has graced my life for the past 19 1/2 years is dying. Her kidney disease which had been treated successfully for nearly 6 years or so is kicking her ass now. Her creatinine and BUN counts when way up last week, we learned when we took her into our vet who has taken such amazing care of her all these years. We took her in after she became listless and stopped eating for 2 days. They kept her on IV fluids all day that Saturday. We brought her home later that day so we could have her with us on Sunday so that she wouldn’t have to spend the whole weekend there alone on IV fluids.

On Monday she went back in and spent 3 nights and 4 days on IV fluids. I brought her back home Thursday evening with her sub-Q fluids and plenty of needles. Her creatinine went down to 6, but not back to the steady 3 it had been holding at for months and months. Giving her the sub-Q fluids is not a big deal, but she’s eating very little and she’s not getting around very well. She can still make it up and down the stairs but she can’t jump up on the bed and she’s moving very slowly.

She’s still beautiful, alert, her fur is soft and dark (she’s a black and white kitty) and she purrs when I hold her. She’s sleeping wrapped in my arms at night and I can’t imagine losing her. I knew I’d have to face this day but damn if it doesn’t hurt worse than anything I can ever remember. She’s my best little buddy and she’s been with me consistently longer than anyone ever, even my family.

I’ve been building her fires, she loves the heat. But she wouldn’t even eat the chicken she loves so much last night from our dinner or the pork tonight. She used to sit by my chair and practically eat half my meal. Now she won’t even eat one piece.

It could be that the anemia caused by the kidney failure is contributing to a lot of this. Her kidney is very small, so I should probably be more amazed that she has lived this long. She really has lived longer than most cats and lord has she been loved. She received an injection of Aranesp (darbepoetin) on Wednesday. Because her kidneys are shutting down they can no longer manufacture the protein that aids in the production of red blood cells. Aranesp works by stimulating the production of red blood cells by the bone marrow. The anemia is most likely causing much of her lack of energy and appetite now. She’ll get another injection of it in 4 days.

I am rambling a bit here (or maybe a lot), this is a reflection of the way I feel about all this. Will the Aranesp help her energy to climb again and will the twice daily administration of sub-Q fluids with the extra potassium and b-12 vitamins help her come around? I don’t know yet. I go from having hope she’ll be with us another 6 months to feeling resigned to letting her go in the next couple of weeks.

To make matters more complicated, my partner and I have our yearly SE Asia trip planned (and paid for, we’ve been planning this for nearly a year). I barely want to go now. We have a housesitter who has taken very good care of Bangs and our other cat, Camille, over the past few years when we’ve gone away, but I wonder if she can take as good care as I can. Hell, maybe she can take better care now because I’m so freaked out and feeling so much grief. Bangs is my emotional litmus test, none of this is escaping her.

For now I need to take it one day at a time and let her call the shots. I can’t force her to eat, although I have a pantry full of new natural cat foods that I’m trying out on her. It’s helping her to eat a little bit anyway. When my grandmother was 99 and in a lot of pain, she wanted to stop eating. She died soon after that. My nearly 20 year old cat is probably around the same age in cat to human years. I’ll love her all I can until it’s time for me to let her go. And when she goes I’ll grieve her with all my heart, and I’ll always remember the most amazing special bond we’ve shared.

First of all, what the heck is a dream job? Does such a concept even really exist?

On March 4, 2009, Time published an article called Finding a Dream Job: A Little Chaos Theory Helps. What the article is really talking about is the element of risk or chaos in choosing a college degree these days. It used to be that a business or law degree was pretty much a guarantee of a good job and an English degree (which I have, by the way), wasn’t going to get you anywhere in this life, at least not in terms of a real job.

So back to chaos theory and your choice of a college degree.

In You Majored in What?: Mapping Your Path From Chaos to Career, Katharine Brooks, Ed.D., points out that the way we usually approach career-planning is logical and linear — i.e., “I majored in political science, so I’ll go to law school,” or “I studied history, so I’ll be a history teacher.” With the economy in shambles, though, what seems straightforward to students (or their parents) may not be. Searching out other less obvious options, always a smart strategy, matters more now than ever. Brooks borrows from mathematical chaos theory to help new grads map out a career plan that will ultimately get them where they really want to go.

The article goes on to say the same thing I’ve been hearing for probably the past 15 to 20 years or so of my work life, which I guess is much of it, that in the old days you expected to get a job with a good company and then stay there for 30 years and retire. So neat and clean. Those were really the old days, though, because I’m a baby boomer and I’ve changed careers about 3 times or so (if you count all the little jobs I took when I couldn’t find something in a chosen field). To the author’s credit, she follows up this line of thinking with “How quaint! Those days are never coming back.” Indeed.

Katharine Brooks has been studying the relationship between college degrees and actual careers for the past couple of decades. She has counseled many a “panicky” graduate that their careers may have little or nothing to do with what they learned in college and she’s created tools to help people make sense of where they’re strengths and interests lie. She says (and I so resonate with this),

“The saddest thing to me is seeing someone take a job just because it pays well, and then spend all that money on toys to cheer them up for being miserable in their job. People who are doing what they love hardly feel they’re working at all, just living.”

So, take heart in this age of no guarantees. Our dream jobs are out there. If you’re reading this, please comment with your own ideas about what your dream job is and if you’ve made it or not. Or write about what you went to college for and what you’re doing now. I’ll tell my own story in my next post.

“Looking for Work” is the title of last weekend’s Pacific Northwest article about people who have lost their jobs and have been out of work for many months now. The subtitle is “more than jobs are lost to those laid off.” When I open to the article the headline reads “The Castaways… through months without work, time to cry, to connect, to hunt and to reimagine.”

Interesting, according to my spell check, the word “reimagine” does not exist, but it’s probably the biggest thing happening out there these days. Imagine being a woman in your 50’s with a skill set working in early childhood education and your job is gone? How do you take those skills and “reimagine” yourself doing something different?

Being unemployed is difficult on so many levels. The first one is that you’ve lost your income. The second one and possibly even the more devastating one is that you’ve lost your identity. The third is that you’ve lost your routine and the fourth is that you’ve lost the day to day camaraderie with the folks you used to work with. On a personal level, it’s all pretty devastating.

Having been unemployed for months on end myself in prior economic downturns, I can attest to this from a personal level. I remember spending hours (before the internet) calling around, taking classes, taking tests trying to figure out who I was in the world of work and sleeping late and feeling sorry for myself. I took jobs doing whatever I could to get back into the world of work, including working in a warehouse, being a prep cook and working as a janitor. Once I was working again, jobs in my chosen fields were offered and eventually I became employed in an entirely new career.

I also got caught up in make money quick rip offs and gave the little money in savings I had to very bad people who had no intention of helping me make money. With the help of others I was successful in putting one of those shysters behind bars. Today there are so many people ripping other people off in the name of making money online, it can feel very discouraging.

So, what’s this all about? And how do you keep your sanity during this period if you’re one of the 10% currently unemployed and going crazy trying to find work?

Here’s my list of what I’d do differently if I was unemployed today (instead of what I did when I was unemployed before).

1. Wake up in the morning and appreciate my life, my creativity, my cat, the roof over my head and the food that will sustain me that day.

2. Meditate for 10, 15 or 30 minutes.

3. Go out for a walk if you can. Just get out of the house for awhile. If you still have access to a gym, go and work out.

4. Make contact with a good friend or family member and just check in. Let them know how much you appreciate them. When you appreciate your friends, you appreciate yourself. This is so important.

4. Have a good nourishing breakfast, maybe with a friend.

5. Remind yourself to stay fully present in the present moment and do this whenever you feel like you’re sinking from the weight of being unemployed or worry sets in.

6. Do something creative like write, paint, play an instrument, sing or dance to some music in your living room. The point here is to keep remembering how amazing you are.

7. If you’re sending out resumes, send a few more out. Check in with your temp agencies if your looking for contract work.

8. Really think about what a perfect day would look like for you. If you’re so inclined, start a blog on a free site like wordpress.com or blogger.com and write about your experiences being unemployed or your experiences being a great mom to your cat or whatever makes you feel good. I know for myself I’ve gotten lost in the crazies about what to write about when really it’s right in front of me. For instance, when an old friend asked me for my lasagna recipe, it felt like nothing to write it all out in full detail.

9. Appreciate yourself some more. Remember that you’re a unique and amazing person with so many gifts and talents you are willing to offer. When you keep this in mind, you will find a match.

10. Because all lists should probably end on the number 10, here goes. Enjoy the time off. that’s the biggest regret I have for my periods of unemployment, is that I spent the time worrying and freaking out. You will be employed again or you will work for yourself or you will have obligations on your time in the future. Accept and appreciate the time you have now. In fact, cherish it with all your heart!

If you have something to add to my list, I’d love for you to please comment.

For the music, my friend. Maybe I’ll get to meet you someday.

As I listen to the music you created, I wonder what I’ll leave. We’re all creative beings. I know you stressed about your music when you were alive and people didn’t appreciate it properly. Especially your father. So what else is new there, huh?

Paul Simon’s father thought he was an idiot, too, but I’m afraid on both counts they’re overridden.

My father isn’t here anymore, I’m not sure what he’d think of me these days. But that’s not what this post is about.

It’s about creativity and being who we really are.
What a concept…

Why is it that too many of us wait until we’re old (i.e. retired) to discover our creativity? And power to those who do! It’s sad to think that we’ll get into our 60s and 70s and beyond and do nothing but sit in front of the TV.

Creativity is expressed in lots of ways. It’s not just writing, visual arts and theatre. It’s athletics, it’s building things, it’s making candles or expertly pruning a white pine. Creativity is as endless as human imagination.

With all those choices, why are so many people stuck in front of the TV?

Hmmm, what about planning a really cool vacation somewhere, all on your own without the help of a travel agent. With so many resources on the web it’s really possible now to imagine and create anything you want.

And with so many resources on the web, it’s a plus minus situation. We can be creative and add to the mix, talk about the mix and rant about the mix, or we can get sucked in by the whole thing.

What’s real here? Nothing, really. But it’s fun to write about anyway. I’d love to hear how you express yourself creatively these days! What on earth would Mozart be up to if he were alive today?

Maybe this blog used to be a little edgier, or maybe more people were into reading about retirement and transitions. It could be that people are just feeling thankful to have a job these days and maybe even don’t have the time to read a blog like this one. Or, and probably most likely of all, I’ve slacked off in joining the conversation with others I used to converse with.

Why is that, you say (if you’re even reading this)? Honestly, it’s that I’ve gotten twisted into an internet marketing vortex (ok, learning curve, if you will) that has taken me away from my “beginnings.”

It’s funny how amazingly fast time speeds by these days. Internet time is like the ultimate opposite of geologic time. I have this vague memory of reading about PPC and Clickbank back in 2004. Geez, 5 years ago? And then reading everything I could about affiliate marketing beginning a mere 4 years ago. And taking Yaro Starak’s Blog Mastermind course just a couple of years ago (or has it been 3)?

Yikes, am I becoming jaded or what? I’ve taken other courses since then and while I keep learning new stuff, my income has only risen, well, in geologic time increments. Which is to say, not much at all. Although I am starting to understand this game much better. Which is maybe why I’m becoming jaded.

And, of course in the meantime… the economy took a dive and people had to go back to work and put off their dreams of having the freedom to do something completely new and different. There’s something comforting about having a regular paycheck right now if you’re so lucky to have one.

If you’re not, well, I remember those days all too well in the early 80’s when I wasn’t working at all and freaking out about it the whole time, instead of enjoying myself, which is what I should have been doing. It’s not like I wasn’t enjoying myself at all, but I was spending way too much time worrying. And while I was spending all that time worrying, I had a roof over my head and I had plenty to eat. I had lots of friends and I even took guitar lessons. Shoot, I had all that time!

Guitar lessons now? I wish I had the time. Ok, if guitar lessons were really all that important to me I’d make the time.

But, instead I’m weighing the hours I work and the hours I spend getting backlinks. How crazy is that? It may be crazy, but the more I do it and the better I get at it, it gives me a different kind of joy. In the meantime, I wonder if I should just sell those damn guitars….

So what to make of all this? Probably not much more than the challenge of life and the human game goes on. And if I wrote this same blog post tomorrow, it would be different. Now there’s a challenge.

I’m going to have some fun with this. People often make a big deal about transitions because of the change involved. Transition equals change, right? Transition can be change over time, though, and I think that’s what normally happens. Sure, sometimes change hits us in the head like a brick mortar (does such a thing exist?), but more often than not, transition happens over time.

I have a wine cellar. We buy French Bordeaux futures, then wait for about a year to actually get them and then stick them on their side in the cellar for a few more years before actually drinking them. My transition to retirement feels a little like this right now. And, joyously, I’m actually having some fun thinking about this transition rather than feeling desperate that it’s not here yet!

My transition into retirement began about 3 or 4 years ago. Before then I didn’t think I’d ever stay at a job long enough to retire from it and I certainly never thought I’d have enough money to ever actually retire. But about 4 years ago, I started really getting into the idea of retirement because I was, well, 4 years away from my minimum retirement age and if everything fell into place, the age and the years would have made me eligible for an early retirement.

Well, fast forward those 4 years, here I am at the minimum retirement age, but, well, everything did not fall into place and early retirements being offered may well be a thing of the past. Hey, is it MY fault that I landed right into the whole baby boomer thing?

All kidding aside, this is a blessing in disguise as just about everything in my life up until now has been. I’m serious when I say that. Like a fine wine, I am laying on my side (well not all the time) waiting to ripen and flower. Ok, my money is laying on its side waiting to ripen and flower. I love that analogy.

And, thankfully and joyously, my job has, well transitioned into a place I really enjoy. I really love my job now. Sure, there are parts of it that I can do without, isn’t that true for most jobs? But as I’m enjoying the final years of working at this job, I know there is yet another transition into whatever I’ll do next after I leave this job and do something called retirement.

Popping the cork on that bottle should be pretty awesome.

By Kathie Larsen, PhD

The focus of this article is on helping you figure out how much money you need to make in your business in order to meet your goals.

What is your goal in starting this business?

• To be able to work for yourself, replacing your current job
• To enable you to work more flexibly so that you can take care of a child or a parent, or pursue avocational interests
• To provide something productive to do and a stream of income in your retirement
• To get rich quick

If you marked the last one, you are at the wrong website. Your own business may make you happy, it may support you and your family, but if you ever get rich from your own business, it will be slowly.

How much would I have to earn to replace my current salary?

When you consider how much you would need to make to replace your current salary, there are a number of things to consider.

First, remember that the money coming in isn’t all profit. It took money to bring in those first dollars – probably lots more than what you initially brought in. You had start-up costs, and you have continuing costs in running a business. The money that comes in is your gross. Once you subtract your business expenses, you have your net, or your profit. But even your profit isn’t money you can spend.

Once you have profits (the gross income from your business minus your expenses), you’ll need to start paying quarterly estimated taxes. These estimated taxes are the income taxes that were previously withheld from your paycheck and FICA, your social security and Medicare taxes. When you are an employee, your employer pays half of your FICA and Medicare tax and you pay the other half. But once you are self-employed, you have to pay all of it.

From your first dollar of profit, you owe FICA and Medicare (15%). You also will owe income taxes. While income tax rates are tiered, remember that your marginal tax rate is determined by the household income. So if you have income from other sources or if your spouse has income from other sources, you should probably estimate your marginal tax rate as 25%. Thus, 40% of your profits go to federal taxes. You will also have to consider state and local taxes.

Most people who are salaried workers have some kind of retirement sponsored by their employer. Often it is a 401k that you put money into which is invested for you retirement. Some employers also offer some match of what the employee contributes. For instance, you employer may allow you to contribute up to 10% of your income to the plan, and the employer may match one dollar for every two or four or five dollars you contribute. This money is tax-sheltered and is not taxed until you withdraw it. You do pay FICA and Medicare on the money you contribute, but not on your employer’s contributions.

As someone who is self employed, you can create your own retirement plan. There are two options. One is the SEP IRA, which allows you to contribute up to 20% of your net on a pre-tax basis, up to a maximum of $49,000 in 2009. The other is a SIMPLE IRA, which has a maximum contribution amount of $11,500 in 2009 ($14,000 for people over 50). The SIMPLE IRA contribution is not limited to a percentage of your net income.

An Example: For every $100 of net income to your business, you’ll pay $15 in FICA and Medicare and $25 in Federal income tax. This leaves $60.

But if you contribute to a SEP, you can contribute 20% of your net, $20 out of that $100. That changes your taxes, as this money is tax-sheltered. You do pay FICA and Medicare on the money, but not income tax. So your quarterly taxes would take 15% of $100 ($15) and 25% of $80 ($20). So out of the $100, you’ll find you have $45 that is yours after taxes and your retirement contribution. When you contribute $20 to your retirement plan, and it costs you $15 because of the tax advantage of contributing to a retirement account.

Remember also that being self-employed means no paid vacation, no sick leave. You need to have reserves, money you save out of your profits to allow for this.

Health insurance is also a consideration. Your employer likely pays a significant amount go your health insurance premium. Now you will be paying your whole health insurance premium.

You do get some tax breaks. You get a tax deduction for half of the amount you pay for FICA and Medicare. You also get a tax deduction on half of the health insurance premium you pay.

Do I need to replace my salary?

If, at this point, you are looking at the numbers and thinking there is no way I can replace my salary, consider whether you need to replace your salary.

Many people start their own business as a transition to retirement from their old job. In this case, you are not aiming to replace your salary but to augment your retirement income to bring closer to your old salary.

Also consider whether you can live on less money. Working for yourself is often a lifestyle decision. Being self-employed can give you more flexibility about when and how and where you work. You may be willing to make less money to have the advantage of, say, no long commute or being able to see your children off to school in the morning or to take your mother to the doctor in the middle of the day.

If you believe you can live on less money, try it – not just for a month but for a full year. Not only will this tell you whether you can realistically live happily on less money, but if you save the difference between living on less and spending what you previously did, you’ll have some money saved for starting your business.

Remember that no one starts out replacing his or her salary. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 years to make money in your own business. “Making money” means different things to different people, but most people take this to mean nearly replacing their salary.

Starting your own business is a good example of the old adage that “it takes money to make money.”

by Kathie Larsen, Ph.D.
So many people I talk with these days want to start their own business. It’s quite appealing, working for yourself, doing something you want to do, being independent. But the finances of starting your own business are scary for most people. The intention of this post is to help them be less scary!

This discussion of the finances of starting your own business is not meant to be comprehensive, but simply food for thought.

What is it you want to do? How do you choose? For some people, a business idea grows out of a passion or a long-time interest. For others, a business idea grows out of the necessity of supporting themselves and their family.

There are many resources to help you draw up a business plan and learn the practicalities of starting a business. Research the business you want to start. The Small Business Administration has people to help you develop your business plan, to ask questions you may not of thought about. Who do you know who has started a small business somewhat like what you want to start? Talk with them, ask questions, and ask them what you haven’t considered in your plan.

To start your own business, you’ll need two kinds of money: Seed money for your start-up costs and money to live on while the business gets up and running. The general rule of thumb is that it takes two years in a new business before one earns enough money to be self-supporting. So what do you do between now and then? For most people, continuing their current job as long as possible before quitting to manage their business full-time makes sense. That means they need to come up with money for start-up costs, but can continue to pay the mortgage and put food on the table with the income from their current job or a while.

But how will I ever start a business if I have to keep working at my job? Finding time to work on your business when you are already working full time is a challenge, no doubt. Some people, mindful of this, save start-up funds for their business. They continue their jobs until the new business needs them full-time, and use their savings to support themselves through the early lean times.

What kinds of start-up costs will you have? Do you need to rent office space, for instance, or can you work from home? Renting an office also means expenses like furniture and perhaps an employee or two. What kinds of supplies and equipment will you need? What kinds of work will you need to contract out?

No matter how small your business plans, it takes money to get your business off the ground. The two questions are how much and where will it come from?

Some start up expenses can be delayed. For instance, you may be able to work out of your home initially, even though you’ll need an office later. Or you may be able to use a computer you already have, even though you’ll need more computer equipment later.

Think about routine business expenses:

Rent
Phone and internet connections
Equipment and supplies
Local taxes, like Business and Occupations taxes. There are also start-up expenses such as getting a business license. Every state, every locality is different. Do your research.

Also think about what kinds of things you will need to contract out or hire a consultant for. Often people are reluctant to hire someone else to do something for the business, especially when no money is coming in, but some things it’s unwise to delay. For instance, I believe that every business needs some sort of web presence. If you aren’t proficient in creating websites, I highly recommend that you hire someone to do it. You can start with a simple site at first (and that may be all you will ever need) and add or elaborate as your business grows. You will probably also need to consult with an accountant even if you plan to do your own taxes initially.

Again, it’s important for you to be informed and always do your research – you should be able to plan for how much money you’ll need initially, then how much more in start-up costs you’ll have in the first year or so.

I thought I was going to retire about 2 months ago. Guess what? I didn’t.

It’s not entirely due to the recession. In fact, I’m liking my job better these days which helps a lot. But, I’m also spending nearly all of my “off hours” working on building a business of my own.

Let’s face it, I don’t want to stay at this job more than another 3 years, max.

Building a business isn’t for the faint-hearted. The biggest lesson learned over the past couple of years is that I have to have a plan and I have to have focus. What does that mean?

My plan is taking shape in a couple of excel spreadsheets right now. I’ve also create an LLC and I’ve gotten a business license. In addition I’ve got a business bank account and VISA card. I’ve even got my own UPS account. Doing this has made it very real for me. On paper I am in business. Come tax time I’ll be reminded of this – but by that time I fully expect to have at least something to report.

My focus? That’s another story. Internet marketing can lead one down a million rabbit holes to nowhere. Without focus my business will get nowhere. I’m getting better at following my plan and not getting caught up in the latest and greatest training that’s offered. In fact, I’m currently getting untangled from something I wish I hadn’t signed on for, but that’s how it goes. It’s making me tougher and helping me to understand that I need to do my homework before signing up.

Of course I am picking and choosing the tools of the trade and I’m finding some really good ones. If there’s any interest in the tools and resources I am choosing, please comment and let me know. I’d be glad to share them.

I’ll most likely write another post in the fairly near future listing what I am using. Believe me, when I don’t like a tool I ask for my money back (there’s one in particular that I was turned onto that turned out to be very problematic – and while I finally got my money back it was a big hassle – make sure there is a trial/money back period… ). The ones I’m using now, I’m very happy with and I find them to be extremely useful. Especially because I’m still working and need all the help I can get if I ever want any time off at all!

Thanks for reading this and please comment with your own experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

This might be a terrible time to write about going back to school after you retire. Where I live (in Seattle), I read new horror stories about state higher education funding being slashed just about every day. At the same time, tuition is going up. All in all, it might seem like both a bad time to retire and maybe even worse time to try to take a college class.

There are other ways to go back to school, though. You can volunteer at a school. Tutors are always in demand and you could even get paid for that. Or you could volunteer as a teacher’s aide in an elementary school classroom. Special education classrooms are usually in need of more people to help out, especially if you have any expertise in this area.

Maybe you’re a great storyteller. You could create your own “storytelling” hours at your local library and become famous with the local kids. They’ll love being entertained by you and you’ll love hamming it up for them.

If storytelling isn’t your thing, but you enjoy being around books, most libraries welcome extra hands to shelve books and answer questions. I’ve worked in libraries and personally love the atmosphere and the people who I’ve worked with.

Another way to earn some money with your own unique skills is to teach a Discover U or other college extension class. Do you have special talents in gardening, martial arts, writing, sports, crafts, travel planning, painting or drawing? How about teaching computer applications, such as Photoshop or Microsoft Excel? I could go on and on.

Speaking of computer skills, if you’re a computer wizard, whether is be programming or networking or systems, you would most likely be welcome at your local community college to work in the lab to keep the systems running and help students with their programming assignments.

These are just a few ideas, some would be volunteer and some might get you a little extra money. Any of them will get you into a new community and out of the house.

And, who knows, you might actually be able to sign up for a class to learn something you’ve always wanted to learn but haven’t had the time before retiring. You can go to an extension class and learn anything from ballroom dancing to oil painting to art history. You may even be able to audit a college class.

Don’t forget to polish an apple for the teacher and if the teacher is you, sink your teeth in and savor every delicious bite!

Today I am minimum retirement age old. This is the birthday I have been waiting for. It’s pretty amazing to me how easily it got here. All that teeth gnashing and groaning about still being at work, all for nothing really.

I can remember four years ago being absolutely certain that I would be retiring on this date. Well, here I am, but I’m not retiring yet!

Thankfully, my job is more enjoyable and satisfying and, of course, that counts for a lot. And, well, it’s a job that I’m not worried about losing. As I read stories in the paper about people who are having anxiety attacks and losing sleep over just worrying about losing their jobs, I feel extremely fortunate.

I feel fortunate not only because I have a job that pays well and that I enjoy, but I also feel fortunate because I crossed a threshold a couple of years ago where I became fully aware that I create my own reality.

Today, if I really hated my job, I could leave it. I’ve reached this milestone where with my employer’s rules of retirement I could walk away with a small pension and health insurance for the rest of my life. Today, I’m choosing not to do that.

There is nothing more empowering than knowing that I am truly the captain of my own ship. I call the shots and I know that the decisions I make are my own. I am not a victim.

I’m also aware that if I watched television for 8 to 10 hours a day as most people do, I might be having needless anxiety attacks about losing my job or about being attacked by a terrorist or fill in the blanks. It’s bad enough reading the newspaper for a couple of minutes every day.

Doesn’t anyone besides me wonder about all the amazingly wonderful things happening to people every day that are not reported in the news? A couple of days ago the Seattle Times was filled to the brim with news of multiple killings. What about killing someone makes it newsworthy?

I’m afraid I’m about to go off on even more of a tangent. A couple of weeks ago I was at the gym. There are TVs in the locker room. There was surprise, surprise, a killing that morning. The TV reporter actually said something to the effect of, “well, it’s been a busy morning, we have lots to report, stay tuned.” Yikes!!!!

Ok, stepping off my tangent because I’ve given this too much air time already, life is a wakeful dream and it’s everything I continue to make it every single minute of every single day. I’m not always wildly happy because, well, I’m human, but I am aware. And that is so very wonderful.

Happy birthday to me!!

In the latest issue of Tricycle there is an interesting article called Why Buddhism Needs the West by David Loy. I’m not sure that this question was answered, but it did raise some timely questions for me, namely about why we are so dissatisfied (or maybe why I have a tendency to be dissatisfied with things going on in my life).

Mr. Loy states, “It’s because our sense of self, being a delusion, is incapable of finding lasting satisfaction.”

Well, ok… That’s a little hard to grasp, or my ego sure finds that hard to grasp. But then he goes on to give examples from history on how it’s not just a personal issue, but a cultural or societal issue. As he puts it, looking at it in Buddhist terms, social/society vs. the cosmos.

In early times, rulers in Asian Buddhist countries “maintained harmony between the state and the cosmos.” In essence, they were considered to be gods by their followers. And any unfortunate circumstances were explained by karma.

Ancient Greeks, on the other hand, were the first to think in ways that are distinctly Western now. That is, they made a distinction between the cosmos and society and believed in individual choice. This was pretty radical for the times.

So, I put together my short list of what may be causes of our dissatisfaction.

Our history
How we compare ourselves with others
Who we are individually
Who we are culturally
What we know and what we’re exposed to (this could be considered a sub item to any of the above items.

Imagine being very poor but having access to a TV. I realize this example has been used before, but it’s relevant. This poor individual, living in, say, Cambodia, watches American TV day in and day out. He sees affluence unimaginable to his life.

But this gets me off track of my own dissatisfaction. After all, I live in the US and by world standards, I am very wealthy. By US standards I am middle class, as long as I continue to work.

However, I don’t want to work, I want to create my own financial independence. I am told that I can and I believe that I can, but I’m not there yet. My father was a self starter. He believed that education was a ticket to working for the man or worse yet, living a lifetime of poverty. He built his own business and did very well. In fact, if he were alive today he would surely be a multi-millionaire from the internet.

When I got my technical degree in Architectural drafting in 1979, he suggested that I create a book of architectural plans to mass market. I didn’t listen then, but now I wish I had!

Even still, I’m doing ok. I actually like my job these days and I have a nice work arrangement. I work with great people and continue to learn new things every day. At the same time, I’m determined to make money on the internet. I’m building a business that I have every intention of being successful.

So, does my dissatisfaction come from my history or from myself? From my ego? Or am I delusional as the Tricycle author states? You know, maybe the delusion of self he was talking about isn’t that hard to grasp after all.

Ah, well, I call it the dream of simplification because today about all I can do is dream of simplifying my life. At this point, I think I’m about 2 or 3 years away from truly having the freedom to wake up every morning and do exactly as I please.

Until then, my life is anything but simple.

But, to sleep (or maybe to wake!) perchance to dream…

I imagine getting up in the morning after the sun has risen. I’ll leisurely do some stretches or some yoga or the 5 Tibetans with no worry of being late for work if I don’t hurry it up. After my shower I’ll make myself a tasty smoothie and if the weather is nice go out for a walk in the sun.

And now comes the fun part. I’m off to my studio to create art. Every day I have the time and luxury to draw and create and get better and better every day. Every day!

Hmmm, and I have friends. I actually have time for friends. Not just my online friends, but real flesh and blood humans in my life that I meet downtown to have lunch with.

I’m also making music again. My guitars are coming out of their cases. I’m taking my favorite guitar out of its case and actually playing it. My fingers are getting callouses again. Oh, the sweet feeling of mastering a song and then another and another.

I have a journal and I’m filling it with my observations about life, my joys, my ups, my downs and I’m reading everything I can get my hands on about Buddhist art and I’m writing about it. I have time to go through the troves of pictures I’ve taken in SE Asia and I’m writing about them and sharing them on my blog.

Ah yes, to sleep, perchance to dream. Maybe my freedom will look much different than this. Today my life is all about keeping my job and continuing to learn new skills for my job which is rewarding in its own way but very time consuming.

As I get older I become more aware of how important my time is. Some days I feel as though I need to live as though today is the last day I’ll be here. But obligations prevent me from that. Is that crazy or what?

So, the challenge now is to schedule time for myself. I know that I can live this way because once upon a time I did live this way. When I was younger I worked part time at jobs I could leave behind at the end of the work day. I played guitar, I sang in choruses, I took classes, I had lots of friends.

But, then, I wanted to have a challenging career. So, now I have it.

Ha ha, are we ever satisfied?

I have to say it was cathartic to write the post on Worry and Fear. I’m not kidding. A weight has been lifted.

And what I’ve discovered about myself (that I’ve really known all along) is that persistence pays. It pays in self esteem and it pays in actual productivity. I’d been feeling like I was peddling backwards some. Like I was really getting no where because I was trying everything out… yet not following through on anything in particular.

In the last month that’s changed and what a relief!

Right now while so many people are losing their jobs and everything seems to be on such a downswing, my plans for retirement got sort of trashed. I really wanted to leave my job in April. I had some backup plans, such as to work part time as a contractor.

Now, it feels kind of ludicrous to even think of leaving my job.

However, in the last month I have created an LLC, gotten a business license, and begun the process of really building something that belongs to me and, I really believe, will replace my current income and then some.

While I may not be able to leave my job in April as originally planned, I’m fairly certain that I’ll be able to leave by the end of the year. I’ve also made some changes at work and I’m enjoying my job more. That never hurts!

Bottom line is that it’s vitally important that I stick with my plans and keep plowing forward, even as I work through stuff I’ve never done before. I don’t let that stop me, I allow myself to learn, and more importantly, I allow myself to make mistakes while I’m learning. They’ll teach me more than if I don’t take the risk at all.

At the same time, I truly appreciate what I have right now. I’m grateful for my job and the people I work with and the cool stuff I still get to do there knowing that I’m making a difference every now and then.

I’d love to hear from others what persistence means to you. Please write!

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” ~Mark Twain

Isn’t it amazing how much we know that worry is a useless waste of our time and how much of our time we spend in worry anyway? Waz up wit dat??

I’m going to lay it all out on the line just to show you how ridiculous it all is.

What I’m worrying about today…

That I’m no longer respected at work. (antidote: what other people think of me is none of my business)

That I’m not going to leave my job when I wanted to. (antidote: I’ll leave my job when it’s time and I’ll know it when it comes)

That I’ll never make any money online. (antidote: I’ll keep doing the things that I need to do to create an online business and the money will follow… or not)

That I’ll die before I do all the things I want to. (antidote: You never get it done, so enjoy the moment!)

That I’ll die before I retire. (… well, let’s hope this doesn’t happen, huh?)

That I’ll never lose this weight that I recently gained. (antidote: give myself a break, already! and… what other people think of me is none of my business)

That I’ll lose my cat. (well, I will one of these days, but I sure love having her around now, so enjoy every precious moment)

Ok, phew, got all that off my poor, worried chest! The amazing thing is that we all do this. Day in day out. When I get ahold of myself and realize that I’m making all this up in my head, I get a few moments or even a day or two of relief.

This is what separates us from other animals. We have the capability to think and reason. What a curse upon us.

“If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.” ~Dale Carnegie

I love this quote. It gives me permission to turn on the light and read or do anything to get my mind off of my worries. Sometimes simply telling myself that there’s nothing I can do about whatever I’m worrying about right now will actually stop the thoughts and allow me to relax into sleep.

Fear is the killer. It causes anxiety attacks and it keeps us from living in the moment.

“As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men’s minds more seriously than what they see.” ~Julius Caesar

Judging by these quotes, we’ve been worrying for a very long time. Maybe President Obama should create a Ministry of Worry, especially in these trying times.

Everyone asks this question. It’s in books on how to find your passion, it’s on websites about finding your passion, and it’s probably in the back of most everyone’s minds.

But do we really take the question seriously? Or do we take it too seriously? It’s like our life is hanging in the balance waiting for the right answer. That’s enough to scare anyone into not knowing the answer.

At what cost, though? I’ll venture to say, it’s at the cost of our very lives!

Life is now. Always has been and always will be. Has been and will be were now and will be now. So why all the anxiety?

I know why for me. I’ve gotten caught up in the definitions. I’ve gotten caught up in “doing it right.” And I’ve gotten caught up in being the perfect employee. Let’s face it, who are we trying to impress?

Why am I writing this? I’m writing it because life is now and I’m sorry to report that I’ve squandered so much time not being present. Not just thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner but thinking about what am I going to be doing in 5 years?

I used to hate that that question even existed as such a big deal for goal setting. I think it’s such a huge disservice to even ask it. Sure, maybe there’s merit to having some idea about where you want your life to be, but I think it can kill our spirits. It’s as though we have to align ourselves with some corporate business plan.

In the meantime, here we are, flesh and blood, alive, not truly living.

So, what do you love to do? Do you even have a clue? For me, I don’t fully know. Let’s see, I love to eat, I love to walk on the beach, I love to spend time with my cat, I love to build computer systems, I love to sit in coffee shops and play on my computer, and sometimes I even love to play my guitar when I’m not worried about playing like Jimi Hendrix… Wow, maybe I know more about myself than I thought.

And I love to keep learning new things. And I love having a good night’s sleep. That’s the beauty of being alive, now. It doesn’t matter how old we are, it matters how alive we are.

2009 is here for sure and I am here along for the ride. I’m thinking about what the year will bring.

My thoughts create my reality.

Ok… then I’m going to have a great year.

There’s a lot of bad economic news out there. I read the newspaper but to me it’s information. I don’t fully take it in and believe it. It’s not that I don’t believe people are losing their jobs and we’re in a recession. I know that all of that is true.

But I don’t believe that it’s going to affect me. Even as I start a new business. I believe that I will be successful.

First of all, I have made a decision to be successful.

Second of all, I am persistent in my actions to become successful.

Sometimes I don’t know exactly what my success breakthrough will be, although I have a pretty good idea. In the meantime, I’m doing everything I need to do to pave the way.

I have created an LLC. That’s a very important step for me. This is real. I have tangible proof that I am in business and I’m no longer putting everything on my own name.

I’ve educated myself and I’ve weeded out what feels right and what doesn’t. After all, this is my business.

In an environment of so many choices (and so much noise) about how to make money online, I am getting clear about what makes sense for me. I’ve spent my money and I’ve paid a few dues.

I know I haven’t paid all my dues yet (do we ever??).

I’m truly excited for this year for many reasons. Sure, we’re in a recession, but we’re also beginning a new chapter in the U.S. and hopefully in the world.

What I think is important and what you think is important, too. What we all think together is really the key. Let’s think abundance and peace.

Abundance, well-being and peace are all possible, in fact they’re where we really are if we only allow it.

Happy New Year! This year I am going to make some real money online and become financially independent! This is my year.

http://butwhatnow.com/go/moremoney365.php

I found this offer today on the Warrior Forum. There was so much interest and high regard for it that I had to check it out immediately. I’m glad I did. I now have a whole new arsenal of products to market. And not only that, but the tools to promote them and learn as I go.

What more can this internet marketing semi-noob with only 3 months to go until retirement ask for??

You get a 2 week trial to poke around and check it all out for yourself. Anyone who wants to make money online will do themselves a big favor to look at what’s here. It’s not the usual internet marketing fare!

This is truly for all of us newbies (even those of us, like me, who have been trying to make money online forever, it seems). It cuts through the BS and confusion we’re all so familiar with.

I know this confusion has killed my own focus needed to really be successful online.

This is because there are so many ways to make money online… MoreMoney365 provides you with a simple, proven type of product to sell – the sort of product that has 95% or more profit is the best kind for getting started.

That’s what it’s all about – getting the biggest profits by selling “digital” products like guides and software.

You could invest lots of time and money in creating your own product, but it’s really not necessary to do that. All you have to do is get the “license” to promote some lucrative products – and a
web-site for each one.

In fact, as a beginner, you don’t want to be creating your own product before you know how to test the market. How would you feel after you’d spent hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a product only to find out there’s no market for it?

And writing and putting up web-sites to sell products is no big deal if you know how to do it…but if you don’t, the costs of paying other people to do it can add up.

That’s why I bought a membership with MoreMoney365.
–
And, you can kick the tires for 2-weeks where you pay nothing if you aren’t completely wowed by what’s offered.

You get 1000s of products and the web-sites to sell them. That’s huge – because you get the graphics and everything to start becoming a software and ebook-selling machine!

The best part is that the people who put this amazing web resource together are really committed to sweating the details and providing support to their members. They give you the products to sell and also incredible training resources so you will know exactly what to do to start making money.

I’m planning on taking baby steps to get up and going, making a little money to start. As I learn more and more and find out what works for me, I’ll scale my business up and continue to earn even more money.

The MoreMoney365.com membership offers a one-stop resource site where you can download 1000s of products to sell… and keep 100% of your profits. You won’t have to wait to get paid when you sell one of these products online. The money will come straight to your PayPal account.

The secret to making big money online is to control and profit from lots of products in several different niches. That way if one area is not showing such good results you are still making good money in all your other areas. But, again, I’m going to take it one niche at a time and not get way ahead of myself too fast.

Researching and creating products in even one area is a lot of hard work and it can get expensive. When you start with what is called PLR -Private Label Rights products you get the rights to improve or add new information to the product. You can take 2 or more products and combine them together
in a package… you can customize products and sell them to specialized markets for even bigger profits.

This site teaches you step-by-step how to do it all. All you have to do it get started and take action.

Having purchased so many “how to make money online” programs over the past couple of years, I’m convinced that you could easily spend 100 times what this one package costs and not get as much value.

The real secret to success online is to get started and take action. MoreMoney365 offers fantasic support, too, so I know that my questions will get answered quickly. I’ve read some amazing testimonials on the Warrior Forum from long standing members attesting to this.

Many internet gurus, including Rosalyn Gardner, have said that there’s little need to pay for expensive content when there are so many PLR products package just like this one.

I don’t know how long they will keep offering a 2-week no-risk trial membership, so if you’re interested you probably shouldn’t wait to take a look.

Let me know what you think of it.

I had dinner with a friend last night that retired a year ago. John hadn’t thought about retiring at age 58, but as things got less enjoyable at work, he looked at his finances and decided he could afford to retire. Like so many people, he was rather at loose ends for the first few months of his retirement. When we’d meet we’d talk about things he could do. But it was hard for him because work had been his whole life. We had discussed a number of options, like engaging in some artistic activities that interested him, volunteer work for a favorite charity or returning to work part-time as a contractor.

Last night he said he felt like his brain was turning to mush – he had to do something! I’ve heard that before from people who have retired, they feel less “sharp” and it scares them. Sometimes this is what it takes to “jump start” them into something new. It’s true that what they need is an intellectually stimulating activity. John has made some progress in his quest for a life after working. He is starting his own business so he can do some contract work part time. He has talked about taking a foreign trip with an old friend and I hope he does it. I think that’s a good start, but I hope his retirement doesn’t become like his work life, where it was all work and no life. Balance can be as hard to find in retirement as it is while you’re working.

I have another friend who retired in her mid-50s. Bobbie had hoped for an early retirement offer, but when it came, it was sort of a shock. There had been no forewarning and she had a mere three days to decide. She opted to retire. After a few months of catching up on her sleep, as she put it, she volunteered for the local Red Cross. She helped them develop a new training program, and when that work was finished after a few years, she decided to move on to something else. She always had artistic interests, and started a Masters of Fine Arts program that allowed her to further develop her artistic interests. She finished her art program several years ago, but continued to show her art at various exhibitions.

We have lunch about once a month, and I’m always glad to see her and hear about what she is doing. She has always enjoyed traveling and takes a couple of “big trips” each year. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago, she told me she has decided to stop participating in formal art shows. She continues her work, and has a gallery that displays and sells her work, but there is no pressure for deadlines or a particular type of work. She can create what she wants.

Bobbie has been retired now for almost 20 years. When I look at the pattern of her retirement, it strikes me that she took on lots of projects at the start of her retirement. As time has gone on, she shed some of those, and became more deeply involved in others. I would say she’s had a very successful retirement so far. She’s done many things she didn’t have time for while she was working. She has also found new friends and new interests.

John has just started his retirement journey. He’s still looking for his path. I hope that as time goes on he will find the right balance of activities for him.

It takes time to find your path in retirement. Your really can’t follow anyone else’s path, you have to find your own. There may be false starts and dead ends but if you can enjoy the journey, you’ll find your way.

Contributed by guest writer Kathie G. Larsen, Ph.D.
Kathie is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Seattle, Washington.

Maybe I mean that literally since I have an outdoor lighting site, but seriously folks…

I had my sights set on a retirement either at the end of 2008 or in the spring of 2009. Things are not looking very bright for either of those dates right now. So, not to get too discouraged. I’m still young, there’s still time.

Wait! That’s what’s tripping me up. This whole time thing. I’ve always had time. As long as I’m here I have time. What’s more important is how I actually use my time.

After I finish spending money on new courses and partially doing this one and that one, I also find time to eat and sleep and for about 15 minutes every morning even exercise. This whole time thing can really bring me down, though, if I let it.

I can beat myself up (and lose precious time) for not being productive, for not being focused, and for taking time off playing a silly video game. Hey, I don’t watch TV, I’ve gotta have some down time, don’t I?

Time permeates everything we do. I need to get it out of my system because I’m taking it much too seriously.

So, I have a date with EFT this Saturday. More on that later. For now, I’ll just say I think I’ll be tapping on time. Maybe musically, too.