But What Now?

Shame is so debilitating. Shame stunts our growth. Shame takes us backwards. Shame is counter-productive to achieving any goal.

So, why, as such an enlightened human being, am I so ashamed of being a size 18?

It’s funny, I remember when I was in high school (69-72) when there were predictions that people would morph into beings with big bodies and little heads – or maybe it was the other way around – because we would stop using our bodies as we just sat in front of a computer all day long. The really weird part about this is that I (and most people) didn’t start sitting in front of a computer for hours on end until at least 15 years later. So what a strange premonition that was.

Fast forward to now and it’s all over the news that we’re all fat. Except it’s not true that ALL of us are fat. A lot of the people we work with aren’t fat, so when we go to work we (who are “fat”) feel really ashamed of being fat. Yikes.

I am one of those people who has lost weight and then regained it all and then some 3 times. It’s extremely frustrating and discouraging to go through this. I’m hot and them I’m NOT.

What a way to live! Not really.

I know how to work out, I know how to count calories, I know how to read labels, I know how to count carbs, etc., etc.

So, why did I gain weight again? Probably because I keep changing my eating habits to fit in. Because I keep going on diets that work for a little while, but aren’t realistic. Because I’m ashamed of myself and I’m beating myself up for being human???

I’m fairly certain that my body is confused. I feel stuffed after eating a salad sometimes. Something’s wrong with that. It’s like I don’t know what to eat, or do I? It can feel horribly confusing. I don’t want to hate myself and I don’t want to hate eating.

I feel healthy, as far as I know I am very healthy. I know I can lose the weight, but will I keep it off? How much should I weigh? How much of my self-esteem should be tied up in my weight? Is it right to shame people because they are overweight? My answer is a resounding no. It’s not helpful, in fact it’s terribly harmful.

So, here I am. Losing weight takes time and the path is a daily choice, one foot in front of the other. For now on. It seems like some of us gain weight just by looking at a bowl of ice cream and others never struggle with it. I don’t know why. If I did I’d be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.

All I know right now is that I will not shame myself about the size I am since that won’t help and feeling bad about myself just adds insult to injury.

Anyway… nothing happens overnight, especially weight loss. I’m at my worst when traveling for business. So, I’m human, I do what I can and I will get there. I’m not worried about it. Worry and shame will kill me much faster than being overweight. And it won’t help me to ever achieve real, lasting goals.

Imagine that you only have a year left to live. I know someone who learned a few months ago that he had brain cancer and his life expectancy is an optimistic 12 months. To my friend’s credit, he has been living each day with an amazing cheerfulness and tenacity that I wonder if I could muster in the same position.

So, when I think about having 3 more years before I can retire, I am thinking of him and remembering that nothing is permanent. While I dream about living a life without a boss and having to respond to daily work demands – what if I didn’t make it another 3 years? I would have squandered my final days wishing for a future that never comes.

When I was younger I never thought I’d make it to retirement. That was probably a huge blessing because I didn’t begin dwelling on it until about 3 years ago (when I thought I was going to be able to retire in 3 years. Hmmmmm) Those 3 years went by pretty quickly, they did.

And because time goes by so fast and because nothing in our lives is permanent, we can slow everything down a notch by mindfully living as much as possible in the present moment. Like we did when we were children. That’s why time went by so slowly then.

Ironically, anxiety and worry can shorten our lives, too. How sad would it be to gnash my teeth in resistance to what is for the next 3 years and then drop dead the day I retire? It happens.

Right now I’m enjoying a cloudy, warm Seattle evening. I just finished a wonderful meal of grilled fresh Columbia River salmon cooked on my Big Green Egg. The French doors in my dining room are opened to the sound of the pond’s waterfall and my windows are framed by the rich, deep green/yellow of maples and other growing things. This moment is perfect and so is this moment and so is this moment.

What is real? Am I real when I don’t get emails? Are emails real?

Who is sending me emails? When I get off all of the spam lists and don’t get emails anymore, am I still real?

Does email create my reality? Do I create my reality in email?

Who am I and where did I come from?

I’ve been a little shy about writing here. Too much noise on the internet, too much noise in Facebook, too much noise in the news in general. Well, there’s something to talk about… the news is noise.

Anyway, I’ve been doing much self reflection lately. More than usual for me, which is quite a bit, I guess. Thinking about living life with grace. And then I lost my train of thought. Happens way too often.

So… grace. What is living with grace? What does it mean to me to live with grace?

Simply, it means being kind towards others, including my significant other, people I meet, friends, and co-workers.

The reason I’m writing this is because I have not been living with grace. I have been angry and scared. Irritable and unkind.

Outside, the wind and rain, mostly the rain, are making their presence known to me and everyone else in this region. Springtime is slow in coming, and honestly, we may never see much of springtime at all. But, ahhh, there’s another example of grace, isn’t it?

Springtime is here and I can accept its presence in whatever fashion it exists or not. I can call it fall-like weather, November-like weather, whatever. The reality is that the temperature has been in the 60’s and everything is green, green, green with the peonies and roses blooming, the wooly sage swollen purple with blooms and our old rhododendrums bursting with color everywhere we look. Our Japanese maples are so brilliantly emerald green and full and luscious, they fill every window they grow in front of. Greens, reds, purples, pinks, blues. and the brown of the earth they come up from fill my senses.

Grace… what is grace. Grace is accepting what is here now. Grace is being here now. Grace is loving myself and loving my own process of unfolding. Grace is loving my co-workers even though I don’t know half of them yet because everything is changing. Grace is being there for the new people without ego and without the expectation of any gain. Grace is being.

Many years ago I was in therapy with a beautiful soul named Barbara Jo. I remember her talking about grace and I got it in a loving, nurturing kind of way instead of a religious way. It was the way she meant to convey it.

And now, many moments ago a thought arose in me about living in grace and these are the rest of the thoughts that came with it once I focused on it and decided to write about it.

If you care to write, I’d love to learn your thoughts about what grace means to you.

Going over the numbers, retirement in 3 years is really possible. When you figure the income you’ll have, it’s important to consider what you will no longer be paying out. For me, it’s the mortgage.

Then I was surprised to see just how much my retirement would be paying and that I can afford to begin my social security at age 62.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE (Noah said) So, why wait until you can get the most money? Why not start earlier when you can still enjoy the money you get? Between age 60 and 62 I may need to rely on other income but I have as many options as I want to consider here. Including maybe not going to Asia those years, but not necessarily.

In other words, it’s looking much rosier than I thought before I sat down and actually put pencil to paper. Now I will probably start playing with the real numbers in Excel. It’s really very exciting and uplifting to think about.

I will be beholden to nobody but myself. So what will I do then??

Ha Ha

I have given it serious consideration, considering that I’ve been working for so many years and nearly every day of my life, simply put, I log on and I respond. I take pride in my work and I know I do a good job. But imagine doing that for my own pursuits? Photography, for instance, or playing guitar? Singing in a chorus? Studying Buddhism? Any one of these could become a full time job. How about meditating every day, exercising or going to the gym mid-morning (instead of 5:00 AM!!). It will happen for me and for you.

The best is yet to come.

Every now and then someone I work with calls someone old who is the same age as me. This person respects my work to such a degree as he doesn’t ever want me to retire, but yet he views people in their 50s as old. He is turning 40, I wonder how he’ll feel about being 50 in 10 years?

And there are the stereotypes about retirement… That old people retire because they’re just ready to go and do nothing. Or that they’re no longer capable. Or that they’re just not useful anymore.

Got news for you… 60 is still pretty young for most of us. And retirement? Why not if I can afford it? Why continue to clock in every day, why continue to sweat when large systems go down, when upper management is breathing down your neck to fix it now and by the way, tell us what you’re doing every minute while you’re fixing it.

I’ll miss the technical work, no doubt about that, but I’m pretty sure that if I miss it enough I’ll find someone who will be glad to use my skills, albeit in a less stressful and maybe even less paid environment. And I’ll miss many of the people I work with. However, I know that right now I work so much that I have few friends outside of work. That will change.

This is my rant for today, a reaction to probably an innocent and stupid comment made by someone I respect. I’m not going to condemn him and I’m not going to take it on. And my advice for anyone reading this is to not take comments like that to heart, either. Everyone has their unconscious attitudes and beliefs that a little correction eventually changes.

Viva la retirement, baby. And viva being OLD. Maybe I’ll feel like I’m old when I’m in my 80s. Don’t know yet.

but what now?

I’ve read the book… (thank you, Geneen Roth). So, now can I actually lose weight? Can I follow this truly amazing and brilliant guidance that I SO relate to? Can I curb my regulator/permissor? I am both… Of course I am, most of us are.

My regulator comes out in my judgment of others more than myself, though. Like the time I tried to tell my friend Chris that her corn on the cob looked like it had been snowed on. (the look she gave me I’ll never forget)

Ok, so I can eat whatever I want? That’s good. I know diets don’t work. They don’t call it yo-yo dieting for nothing. I’m a living example of losing weight on different diet regimens only to gain it all back and then some. And then some more every time. It sucks.

Let’s see, I remember the Dean Ornish diet, the Adkins diet, the calorie counting diet, the carb counting diets, the fat gram counting diets… And I remember a time long ago when I didn’t think about diets at all.

And the VOICE… yeah, loud and clear. I’m a failure, I’m fat, I’m ashamed of myself, etc., etc.

Here goes nothing…

In the last couple of months, I’ve cleaned up a few areas of my life that weren’t giving me joy or satisfaction. In doing this, I’ve opened up time and energy to do things I really enjoy, namely, playing guitar and reading! I am learning Hawaiian slack key guitar and reviving my studies in country blues fingerpicking.

The biggest thing l let go of was being an internet marketer. It wasn’t working for me and, truth be told, when I added up what I spent last year to learn about internet marketing or to buy tools to get SEO and outsourcing articles, etc., I was pretty blown away. All for not much in return and a whole lot of anxiety about making it work. Someone’s making money here, but it ain’t me!

So now… I feel free to enjoy my job, enjoy my time off, play guitar, read, play computer games, play with my cats, spend time with my sweetie and whatever else suits my mood.

I’ve also started exercising again and I spend a half hour every morning meditating.

All of this has renewed my focus on life and has made me very grateful for everything I have and every moment I get to experience.

Aloha!

I’d like to temper the post I made yesterday. Things that I’ve thought about since then include

1. we need money
2. we need purpose
3. we could get both from our employment
4. that would be great!
5. maybe there is no pie in the sky thing we could be doing every day
6. but wouldn’t it be nice if there were
7. I have lots of things I’d like to do
8. but no time
9. do I need to wait until retirement?
10. or can I work on being more focused now?

Aha… focus. Some mornings for me (especially Mondays for some reason) I have so many things I want to do, I end up feeling completely overwhelmed. That’s a damn shame, really, because if I only allowed myself the freedom to respond appropriately to incoming requests, I could probably achieve a ton more than I presently do and I’d be much less stressed.

I took a course from Eben Pagan called Wake Up Productive a couple of years ago. I think I need to retake it. What he taught was truly priceless, even though the course only cost me around $300. I looked for it, it doesn’t look like he’s selling it anymore – it anyone knows otherwise, please let me know. It was a great course.

We have habits, we have the choice to respond and we have so much time in the day. We need to decide what really floats our boats and then do the work to create habits to focus on those things.

I’m old enough to remember life before PCs in every home, email, message boards, online games, facebook, and twitter (notice the progression there). Life was slower then and maybe I was a little bored, although I did enjoy drawing on real paper with real pens and pencils with real tools before Autocad, but then again, I would not currently have the nice paying job I have managing computer systems and storage, so I guess you lose some and gain some, right?

Most have heard of take back the night. Well how about a movement to take back the day!

My sister in law is 26 months from retirement. Her agency has decided to put her in the worst job of all for the rest of the time she’s there. Why, I ask again, do we go to work?

Let’s face it, we’re all slaves to the dollar. All of us, even those of us who work for ourselves. We’re all ultimately slaves to the dollar bill. It’s cool that sometimes it all meshes and you get to make money doing something you love, or at least enjoy doing, or maybe just find interesting and a good way to pass the time.

It’s a major shame that our nation is currently reeling in a recession and people are freaking out. I often think that the greatest shame is our lack of imagination and our willingness to continue to believe that somehow our government officials and employers are responsible for our well-being and happiness.

I write from a place of knowing this first hand. I’m in a job that thankfully has improved in the last year and I’m enjoying my time at work. But, if I had my druthers, I would be doing something different. Why do I stay at my job and why does my sister in law stay at hers? Easy…

We both work for government agencies that offer pretty decent retirement packages as long as we stick it out and follow their rules concerning age and time in service. If you make it to go, you collect $200 every month for the rest of your life.

It’s better than it was at the turn of the 20th century when children worked in factories. Ok… However, and this may be so radical to be impossible to take in, we have a long way to go.

The information age is a whole lot better than the industrial age so I really think we’re getting there. Sadly, one aspect of the information age is that blowhards make so much noise and stir people up at the very basest levels of their beings that it’s the old one step forward, two steps back scenario.

Let’s rejoice the one step foreward and keep moving in that direction. Viva la retirement, and above all, viva la personal freedom and creativity and joy!

If you could be anything you wanted to be when you retire (i.e., grow up), what would you be? It’s a fair question. When we were young, we had a chance to be whatever we wanted to be, at least that’s what some of us were told, but most of us chose the path of least resistance, i.e., studying to be something that had the greatest possibility of getting us an income. Granted there are plenty of people who are working in their dream jobs. I’ve mostly done ok with my choices, but I’m still working for someone else.

How many of you wanted to be an artist or an actor? I got to be an artist when I worked as a draftsperson and I got to be an actor when I acted in community plays. I know I can chose to do that again. What about a beach bum? Ah, bum rap that one, let’s call it something else. Professional surfer, anyone? How about clam digger?

The unfortunate truth all too often is we “become” something we’re totally not suited to be. How many of us really dreamed we wanted to sit behind a desk and take orders from a clueless bureaucratic boss? I’m thankful that my career path didn’t head down that direction entirely (only sometimes).

When you retire do you have dreams of doing nothing at all? Maybe becoming a monk or a nun spending all day meditating will be your ticket then. I only say this because I hear that some people are terrified of having nothing to do once they no longer work. It’s like we lost our ability to choose personal direction.

These days it’s likely that you and I will need to continue to bring in money doing something because sadly our retirement accounts have lost money. I don’t want to work the rest of my life in a job that isn’t fully! satisfying. I have a timeline I’m willing to do that, but at a prescribed time I am prepared to leave it and do something else.

Luckily for me, I enjoy some of the things I do. I especially enjoy the technical part of my job. I don’t enjoy the red tape and other unmentionables I won’t go into here. I also love creating websites, which I do in my off-time and I think I might even enjoy writing more once I have some real time to do it.

How about being a rock musician? I remember when I was around 10 years old my father asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I stupidly said a rock musician (or something like that). He told me to sing him a song right then and there and prove that I had what it took. I sang a Beatles song. I remember it was “It Won’t Be Long.” Interesting choice, huh? At least it wasn’t “Not a Second Time.” And, for some reason, I was terrified of failing. That I was given this one opportunity to make it real and I blew it. We’re so fragile that way when we’re young.

But, alas, now we’re older and wiser and we’ve had all this time to dream about what we’d rather be doing, or we’ve been spending our off-hours doing what we’d rather be doing than what we’re doing at work.

Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.

Ellen Goodman has always been one of my favorite syndicated columnists, probably because she writes so brilliantly about feminism and social change. In fact, she’s been covering the feminist beat since the beginning of her career in the late 60s. The 60s and 70s must have been an exciting time for her, but I’m writing today to reflect on her last column printed in today’s paper. She is retiring.

In her final column, Ms. Goodman is reclaiming the phrase “letting yourself go.” She asks where will you go when you let yourself go? I can think of a few places I’d go when I can let myself go. I’ll go for a long walk on the beach, I’ll go to the movies, I’ll go soak in the tub, I’ll go have lunch with new friends, I’ll go walking downtown, I’ll go play my guitar for hours, I’ll go write some songs, I’ll go hang out in a bookstore, I’ll go play with my cats, I’ll go outside and pull weeds… Gee, I guess I’ll go do whatever I want and better yet, I’ll relax into possibilities I haven’t even considered yet!

While it’s true that I can and do all of those things mentioned above, I don’t often because my life is filled with responsibility and focus on a job and career I still enjoy. Ellen Goodman is looking on her career as a great gift. To leave a career with gratitude for what it brought allows us to open up to appreciate any and all new possibilities waiting around the corner once that focus fades.

She quoted herself in a column written when she was 30 years younger. She doesn’t give a context for why she wrote it at the time, I suppose I could Google it and maybe find out, but it stands alone as a timeless testament to any transition and I will quote it again here,

There’s a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over – and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives.

It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out.

The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well. It’s hard to recognize that life isn’t a holding action, but a process. It’s hard to learn that we don’t leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout of the office. We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves along — quite gracefully.

And so it goes, may you have a lovely and fulfilling retirement, Ellen.

I’ve had retirement on my mind for many years now. I remember now that many years ago retirement was probably the furthest thing from my mind and something I thought I would probably never actually be eligible to participate in. I’d worked for the Postal Service for a year in the early 80s, but wasn’t much into the whole career thing then. I was busy having fun.

Then I worked for myself for many years in between jobs working for state government as a library technician. Every time I left a government job, I cashed in my retirement fund and went on my merry way. Then I got a job with the federal government again when I was 39. Even then I didn’t believe I’d actually stick with it long enough to retire.

Looking back, though, I realize that I’ve been gearing myself towards “retirement” pretty much my whole working life. In other words, retirement for me is working for myself, but not worrying so much about the income – and saving for retirement!

Working for myself means I get to call the shots, create my own hours, work with who I want and on what I want when I want. Some people think that’s pie in the sky crazy talk. If it’s crazy, let me be totally nuts because I will be “retired” one way or another at some point in the not too distant future if I live long enough. And this is true for most people.

Bottom line, and the point for writing this post, is that I think we get all caught up in how much money we’re supposed to have before we can retire. I’d probably drop dead of a heart attack in my current job if that was the case (or I’d work there into my 80s, which I surely have no desire to do).

Question is, do I let my job and my income define my life or do I allow myself to be fully alive and define who I am moment to moment? Dream or reality? Reality or dream? No dice, it’s my life, and I’ll do what I want (kudos to Eric Burdon for that line).

What is isolation, anyway? In Wikipedia I find solitude, a social state and isolation (psychology), a defense mechanism. Well, I guess the state of my social wasn’t so great the other day and I so I wrote a ditty on isolation, which, ok, was definitely a defense mechanism. For what? Whatever, we all have days like that. Truth be told, even though I work from home, which I love, by the way, I spend most of my day on the phone or solving technical problems or answering IMs and fixing stuff. I’m definitely not isolated. And I have a new kitty. She’s cheered me up immensely.

Wikipedia’s definition of solitude is pretty grim,

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation; i.e., lack of contact with people. It may stem from bad relationships, deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features, repulsive personal habits, mental illness, or circumstances of employment or situation.

Thankfully, this sentence is followed by something a little more positive, which is more how I think of solitude,

Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired for the sake of privacy.

The definition of isolation psychology is very specifically stated as,

In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, isolation is a defence mechanism, whereby the person “isolates” the unpleasant idea from the normal emotional response. For example, describing a murder in graphic details without an emotional involvement invokes isolation.

However, in my twisted head, I see describing myself as being isolated was a defense mechanism against the feelings that were coming up around current and past friendships and relationships. Ah ha!! Anyway, I felt better after writing it, so it was worth it for me.

And in closing, I think it’s cool to get a deeper understanding of other people’s feelings and thoughts and what better way to do that than through song lyrics!

John Lennon had his take on isolation in his 1970 song of the same name,

People say we got it made
Don’t they know we’re so afraid?
Isolation
We’re afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home
Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
Trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation
The world is just a little town
Everybody trying to put us down
Isolation

I don’t expect you to understand
After you’ve caused so much pain
But then again, you’re not to blame
You’re just a human, a victim of the insane

We’re afraid of everyone
Afraid of the sun
Isolation
The sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years
Isolation

Ten years later, in 1980, Joy Division also wrote a song called Isolation. I really like these lyrics,

In fear every day, every evening
He calls her aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Painstaking devotion and love

Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

Mother, I tried, please believe me
I’m doing the best that I can
I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

But if you could just see the beauty
These things I could never describe
These pleasures a wayward distraction
This is my one broken prize

Isolation, Isolation, Isolation

You’ve got to be careful. You think it’s so great to work from home but you never see anyone. The only way you relate to co workers is on sometimes very complicated phone calls. You can’t see anyone’s face but often you can hear their frustration. Or worse yet silence until you prod them to please speak up. I’m not saying it’s always that way, but too often it is.

Then you get onto Facebook to see what your “friends” are doing, but they’re pretty much just playing games like Farmville or the garden one and you’re not interested. Old friends (people who really used to be friends) find you here and “friend” you, but it all peters out because they’re in their life and you’re in yours and you live far away and even if you don’t it all feels so disconnected.

Some of your co-workers friend you on Facebook, so now you feel weird posting anything relevant to your life because if they didn’t think you were weird before, they will now. So you stop posting on Facebook altogether.

Your family isn’t much help. The ones that are still talking to you are pretty busy and besides so are you so you don’t talk much. Except to Mom, thank god for Mom. If it weren’t for Mom, you’d never know what the rest of the family was even doing, not that it’s great hearing about your poor nephew getting arrested again, but still.

Then you think you’re the only one who has these feelings. To make matters worse your best feline friend up and dies on you. You do your best to communicate with her on the other side but it’s just not the same as being there. When you’re feeling really isolated and alone she’s not there anymore to remind you how much you’re loved.

So on and on it goes. This post is tongue in cheek, of course, but take heed, for isolation is lurking about wanting to eat you up whole bones and all and no one will ever know the difference or wonder where you went.

It seems like that’s what I get these days in lieu of actual communication with friends. So, this will be a short and sweet post, mostly commiserating about ‘the way it seems to be these days.’

First there was people talking to each other (believe me, this is something I actually experienced in my own lifetime). People actually met and talked. Or went to work and talked, or stood in line at the bank and talked or waited for a bus and talked. Ok, that’s probably still going on, it’s been a long time since I’ve taken the bus (because I work from home and maybe that’s why I’m writing this post).

So, when we wanted to talk to our parents or our high school buddies, we racked up a great big long distance bill. But then came email and so we didn’t need to talk so much and we could save money by just sending emails back and forth. And it was quick, not like writing a letter (does anyone do that anymore???).

Then cell phones became really popular – I remember being in Singapore in about 1999 or 2000 and being at a really fancy restaurant and all they GUYS were talking on their cell phones and we commented to each other that it’s really taken on here because number one, it’s where they make these things and number two, it’s because they haven’t got the same infrastructure as the US. Maybe we were somewhere in Malaysia.

So, flash forward a couple of years and we’ve got our cell phones (I’ll admit it, we were holding out..). So now no more long distance charges to call Mom. Then I move to a second location and still feel the need for a “land line,” because of my security system, so I go with an IP phone (my first one was with what’s their name, oh yeah, Vonage). Now no matter who I call from whatever phone, no phone bill.

So, maybe I talk to Mom more than I used to, but to everyone else? Email is mostly for business and spam. A couple or three years ago I created a Facebook account as part of an internet marketing class. I had no “real” friends, just IM classmates. Now, again, fast forward a couple of years and suddenly I’m friends with people I haven’t seen in years. But are we really friends? Not sure. People seem to be more fond of playing games than talking to each other.

Communications are down to sound bites (I guess we should have expected this all along thanks to TV commercials and political ads dating back decades…). Even when I email someone now I get back a 2 word sentence, if I get a response at all. Twitter bites, Facebook bites, something bites anyway.

I got more relationship from my cat, which is probably why I miss her so DAMN much. Anyway, she’s coming back, but that’s a different story. In the meantime, I’ll quit grousing about all this. As people are fond of saying these days, it is what it is.

I returned a week ago today from a 3 week trip to Myanmar (Burma) with a few days on the end in Bangkok. Every time I travel or even get away from my “real life” for more than a couple of weeks, I come back changed in some way. Taking time off, really getting away for more than 2 weeks (at the very least) is vital to recharge my batteries once in a while.

I get my 3 week vacation once a year, that is the best one. We always travel to a place we haven’t been before along with some places we have, like Bangkok. Work responsibilities are the farthest thoughts in our minds, if we think of them at all. That is so important. I know too many people who leave work for a vacation and end up bringing their jobs with them. That is not a vacation and that is not getting away.

Taking time off clears your head of all your day to day noise. Traveling to a completely different environment really facilitates this because nothing is familiar your thoughts are directed elsewhere and you become (at least I do) more fully present in the moment. Just about every time I’ve traveled, I’ve allowed myself more quiet time and when my mind becomes quiet I am open to receiving new ideas and thoughts about new directions I might take in my life.

I remember making decisions about finishing a college degree years ago after spending a couple of mostly solitary weeks in Boston while my sister worked. And when I got back, I enrolled in classes and 2 years later I had my degree.

A couple of times, many years ago when I was unemployed, I knew I needed to get away and rethink my life so I got in my car and drove. The first time was shortly after I first moved to Seattle, I got on I-90 and just started heading west. I made it all the way to Chicago before turning back. I was going to go and visit my family in Connecticut, but a voice in my head told me it wasn’t a good time. That voice turned out to be very correct, my parents were in the middle of getting a divorce.

Another time I got in the car with my dog, Hannah, and headed for the Oregon coast. I stayed in inexpensive cabins on the beach and spent my days walking along the vast dunes with Hannah having the time of her life running all over the place. When I returned each time, many things changed in my life.

When I left for this trip I was feeling very sad about the loss of my cat, Bangs, so it was also very good to not have to deal with work issues. But, the best thing was I had time to connect with her spiritually, I really felt her with me in these strange new places. This was also a way for me to focus and get quiet. What’s interesting to me now that I am back home is that I really felt her presence at times in these strange places, more so than I have since I’ve been back.

So, what do we do to re-capture the sense of quiet and also the sense of adventure that taking a long vacation gives us? One way is to meditate. This is something I’ve known for a long time and I’ve had varying degrees of success practicing meditation. Well, another gift my sweet cat Bangs has given me is the goal of learning animal communication. And guess what you need to do to get quiet? You need to meditate.

So, I recently bought a CD on beginning animal communication by Carol Gurney and at the end of it she has a wonderful guided meditation spoken in a dreamy, calm, quiet voice. I allowed myself to listen and sit through it for the first time this morning and it really worked. So, for me, this is how I am going to approach meditation and getting quiet and relaxed every day. I will set aside the 15 minutes needed to do this every morning and in time I will get better at it.

Other ways you can quiet your mind is to do tai chi or yoga or even just exercising, like walking somewhere every day or most days. Before I left for my trip, I’d stopped exercising. While we were in Myanmar, we visited new places which required lots of walking and even climbing. When we were in Bagan, we climbed old brick and stone stairs barefoot to the tops of ancient temples. Not only did this require amazing focus so we didn’t trip and fall. There were no buildings codes in Pagan when these were built and one riser could be twice the height of the one before it. And when we returned to our hotel, we felt our bodies. We felt very alive, albeit with tired feet!

Bottom line, plan wonderful vacations, get quiet time, love yourself completely, focus on the present and be kind to yourself always.

I’m not crazy about the title of this post, but I wanted it to reflect as clearly as possible what the post is about and maybe help others find it someday when they need it. When Bangs was dying and as I was struggling with her end of life decisions, I found a few wonderful articles that others had written while going through the same thing. We’re never alone in this. I also received much comfort and support from friends on Facebook, co-workers, family and the incredible staff at the veterinary hospital where Bangs was a patient (and a very good one) for the second half of her life – or maybe it was her 10 lives.

We made the decision on Monday morning, just 2 days ago, to bring her in and say goodbye. She had stopped eating completely. When she lay on my chest that last night she looked at me and I could see the pain in her eyes. She could no longer walk very well and she hated the subcutaneous fluids. I still have a little bite mark on my chest to remember that by. Bangs was always a very assertive cat, some might say demanding… she always let me know when she wanted something.

I brought her home in June of 1990 when she was a kitten of about 6 weeks old. Her first act after arriving to her new home was to freak out at the sight of our 2 German Shepherds, Hannah and Lucy, who where in their pen at the time. She leaped out of my arms, throwing herself against the pen and then she ran off. We thought we’d never see her again. But she didn’t go far and came back shortly.

Because we lived on kind of a busy side street, I wanted her to be an indoor cat. She was very clear with me that that wasn’t going to work. She loved the outdoors. Because the dogs took up residence in the mud room (it truly was a mud room with those 2) by the back door, I couldn’t put a cat door there, so I opened a hole in the bedroom closet and put it there. She was free to come and go as she pleased. I learned from my neighbors that she was always careful crossing the street and they’d see her blocks away sometimes.

She was also really good at catching birds and mice. I got pretty good at catching birds after awhile because she enjoyed bringing them home for me. Once we heard noises coming out of our cupboard where we stored mugs and glasses only to find a small sparrow in there had shit on about every glass in the cupboard. Usually I was able to save them and send them on their way. Then there was the time she brought a rat into the house. Once she got it home she no longer cared about it. It took me 2 weeks to catch that rat.

When she wanted to look outside she learned to bat the narrow Venetian blinds with her paw and look at me. I trained her well, the blinds always got pulled up for her. In 2004, I moved about 3 hours south during the week for my job and Bangs came back and forth with me. She was a great traveling companion and loved her new fenced in back yard. I’d let her out there knowing by then that she couldn’t scale the fence. She loved it so much that in the early morning she’d bat the long vertical blinds on the sliding glass door in the bedroom and make an amazing racket. Those were times I did not let her have her way, but it never swayed her from trying.

And heat, this cat loved warmth. When she we lived in the first house, she’d sit on the registers on the hardwood floor and just meditate with the heat blowing up onto her. When we moved to the house I’m in now, she found comfort in front of the fireplace and in front of the registers on the wall. When we first moved in here, Sylvia cat was here. Sylvia liked to walk in the duct work and gave Bangs a good scare when she showed up face to face with her through the register. When we moved down to Vancouver, I had a gas fireplace. Once Bangs learned that all I needed to do was flip a switch to get the fire going, she’d just go sit there in front of the fireplace and look at me until I turned it on. Here at home, we’ve stocked up on 4 hour firelogs for years. She rarely went a night without a fire.

This past April our bathroom remodel was completed with a heated floor. She found a favorite spot to lie on it and I still expect to see her there when I go into the bathroom. She also loved laying outside in the sunshine and miraculously, we had a very long spring and summer this year. I really think it helped keep her alive a little longer because once it started getting cold and rainy, she really began slowing down.

Bangs was always very soft and cuddly. She loved being held and kissed on her soft little head. Her fur stayed soft and silky until the end, although in the last couple of years she couldn’t groom herself as well and I needed to comb out the mats more often.

As I write this, I realize that I can’t do justice to her long kittie life in a short blog post. There are so many stories I could tell. At some point I may go through her early pictures and scan them in and create a Bangs photo chronology. For now, writing this post, I am remembering her when she was healthy and alive. She began being treated for kidney disease in 2001 and held steady all these years. She was an amazing little girl with an unlimited store of love and charm and personality. There will never be another Bangs. I’m pretty sure that one day I’ll get another kitten and we’ll bond into a completely different relationship. And Camille, our 4 year old cat, is thankfully here full of love and warmth and spirit. She keeps looking for Bangs in all her usual places. This morning I saw her look behind the door in my office where the heating vent is.

For now, I’m imagining Bangs running with the birds and the butterflies, playing with Hannah and Lucy and Ferter and Sylvia, being carefree, joyful, and free with no more pain. I miss her like crazy still and wait for time to heal this emptiness as I know it will.

But What Now… holds a deeper, more poignant meaning for me these past few days. The cat who has graced my life for the past 19 1/2 years is dying. Her kidney disease which had been treated successfully for nearly 6 years or so is kicking her ass now. Her creatinine and BUN counts when way up last week, we learned when we took her into our vet who has taken such amazing care of her all these years. We took her in after she became listless and stopped eating for 2 days. They kept her on IV fluids all day that Saturday. We brought her home later that day so we could have her with us on Sunday so that she wouldn’t have to spend the whole weekend there alone on IV fluids.

On Monday she went back in and spent 3 nights and 4 days on IV fluids. I brought her back home Thursday evening with her sub-Q fluids and plenty of needles. Her creatinine went down to 6, but not back to the steady 3 it had been holding at for months and months. Giving her the sub-Q fluids is not a big deal, but she’s eating very little and she’s not getting around very well. She can still make it up and down the stairs but she can’t jump up on the bed and she’s moving very slowly.

She’s still beautiful, alert, her fur is soft and dark (she’s a black and white kitty) and she purrs when I hold her. She’s sleeping wrapped in my arms at night and I can’t imagine losing her. I knew I’d have to face this day but damn if it doesn’t hurt worse than anything I can ever remember. She’s my best little buddy and she’s been with me consistently longer than anyone ever, even my family.

I’ve been building her fires, she loves the heat. But she wouldn’t even eat the chicken she loves so much last night from our dinner or the pork tonight. She used to sit by my chair and practically eat half my meal. Now she won’t even eat one piece.

It could be that the anemia caused by the kidney failure is contributing to a lot of this. Her kidney is very small, so I should probably be more amazed that she has lived this long. She really has lived longer than most cats and lord has she been loved. She received an injection of Aranesp (darbepoetin) on Wednesday. Because her kidneys are shutting down they can no longer manufacture the protein that aids in the production of red blood cells. Aranesp works by stimulating the production of red blood cells by the bone marrow. The anemia is most likely causing much of her lack of energy and appetite now. She’ll get another injection of it in 4 days.

I am rambling a bit here (or maybe a lot), this is a reflection of the way I feel about all this. Will the Aranesp help her energy to climb again and will the twice daily administration of sub-Q fluids with the extra potassium and b-12 vitamins help her come around? I don’t know yet. I go from having hope she’ll be with us another 6 months to feeling resigned to letting her go in the next couple of weeks.

To make matters more complicated, my partner and I have our yearly SE Asia trip planned (and paid for, we’ve been planning this for nearly a year). I barely want to go now. We have a housesitter who has taken very good care of Bangs and our other cat, Camille, over the past few years when we’ve gone away, but I wonder if she can take as good care as I can. Hell, maybe she can take better care now because I’m so freaked out and feeling so much grief. Bangs is my emotional litmus test, none of this is escaping her.

For now I need to take it one day at a time and let her call the shots. I can’t force her to eat, although I have a pantry full of new natural cat foods that I’m trying out on her. It’s helping her to eat a little bit anyway. When my grandmother was 99 and in a lot of pain, she wanted to stop eating. She died soon after that. My nearly 20 year old cat is probably around the same age in cat to human years. I’ll love her all I can until it’s time for me to let her go. And when she goes I’ll grieve her with all my heart, and I’ll always remember the most amazing special bond we’ve shared.

First of all, what the heck is a dream job? Does such a concept even really exist?

On March 4, 2009, Time published an article called Finding a Dream Job: A Little Chaos Theory Helps. What the article is really talking about is the element of risk or chaos in choosing a college degree these days. It used to be that a business or law degree was pretty much a guarantee of a good job and an English degree (which I have, by the way), wasn’t going to get you anywhere in this life, at least not in terms of a real job.

So back to chaos theory and your choice of a college degree.

In You Majored in What?: Mapping Your Path From Chaos to Career, Katharine Brooks, Ed.D., points out that the way we usually approach career-planning is logical and linear — i.e., “I majored in political science, so I’ll go to law school,” or “I studied history, so I’ll be a history teacher.” With the economy in shambles, though, what seems straightforward to students (or their parents) may not be. Searching out other less obvious options, always a smart strategy, matters more now than ever. Brooks borrows from mathematical chaos theory to help new grads map out a career plan that will ultimately get them where they really want to go.

The article goes on to say the same thing I’ve been hearing for probably the past 15 to 20 years or so of my work life, which I guess is much of it, that in the old days you expected to get a job with a good company and then stay there for 30 years and retire. So neat and clean. Those were really the old days, though, because I’m a baby boomer and I’ve changed careers about 3 times or so (if you count all the little jobs I took when I couldn’t find something in a chosen field). To the author’s credit, she follows up this line of thinking with “How quaint! Those days are never coming back.” Indeed.

Katharine Brooks has been studying the relationship between college degrees and actual careers for the past couple of decades. She has counseled many a “panicky” graduate that their careers may have little or nothing to do with what they learned in college and she’s created tools to help people make sense of where they’re strengths and interests lie. She says (and I so resonate with this),

“The saddest thing to me is seeing someone take a job just because it pays well, and then spend all that money on toys to cheer them up for being miserable in their job. People who are doing what they love hardly feel they’re working at all, just living.”

So, take heart in this age of no guarantees. Our dream jobs are out there. If you’re reading this, please comment with your own ideas about what your dream job is and if you’ve made it or not. Or write about what you went to college for and what you’re doing now. I’ll tell my own story in my next post.

“Looking for Work” is the title of last weekend’s Pacific Northwest article about people who have lost their jobs and have been out of work for many months now. The subtitle is “more than jobs are lost to those laid off.” When I open to the article the headline reads “The Castaways… through months without work, time to cry, to connect, to hunt and to reimagine.”

Interesting, according to my spell check, the word “reimagine” does not exist, but it’s probably the biggest thing happening out there these days. Imagine being a woman in your 50’s with a skill set working in early childhood education and your job is gone? How do you take those skills and “reimagine” yourself doing something different?

Being unemployed is difficult on so many levels. The first one is that you’ve lost your income. The second one and possibly even the more devastating one is that you’ve lost your identity. The third is that you’ve lost your routine and the fourth is that you’ve lost the day to day camaraderie with the folks you used to work with. On a personal level, it’s all pretty devastating.

Having been unemployed for months on end myself in prior economic downturns, I can attest to this from a personal level. I remember spending hours (before the internet) calling around, taking classes, taking tests trying to figure out who I was in the world of work and sleeping late and feeling sorry for myself. I took jobs doing whatever I could to get back into the world of work, including working in a warehouse, being a prep cook and working as a janitor. Once I was working again, jobs in my chosen fields were offered and eventually I became employed in an entirely new career.

I also got caught up in make money quick rip offs and gave the little money in savings I had to very bad people who had no intention of helping me make money. With the help of others I was successful in putting one of those shysters behind bars. Today there are so many people ripping other people off in the name of making money online, it can feel very discouraging.

So, what’s this all about? And how do you keep your sanity during this period if you’re one of the 10% currently unemployed and going crazy trying to find work?

Here’s my list of what I’d do differently if I was unemployed today (instead of what I did when I was unemployed before).

1. Wake up in the morning and appreciate my life, my creativity, my cat, the roof over my head and the food that will sustain me that day.

2. Meditate for 10, 15 or 30 minutes.

3. Go out for a walk if you can. Just get out of the house for awhile. If you still have access to a gym, go and work out.

4. Make contact with a good friend or family member and just check in. Let them know how much you appreciate them. When you appreciate your friends, you appreciate yourself. This is so important.

4. Have a good nourishing breakfast, maybe with a friend.

5. Remind yourself to stay fully present in the present moment and do this whenever you feel like you’re sinking from the weight of being unemployed or worry sets in.

6. Do something creative like write, paint, play an instrument, sing or dance to some music in your living room. The point here is to keep remembering how amazing you are.

7. If you’re sending out resumes, send a few more out. Check in with your temp agencies if your looking for contract work.

8. Really think about what a perfect day would look like for you. If you’re so inclined, start a blog on a free site like wordpress.com or blogger.com and write about your experiences being unemployed or your experiences being a great mom to your cat or whatever makes you feel good. I know for myself I’ve gotten lost in the crazies about what to write about when really it’s right in front of me. For instance, when an old friend asked me for my lasagna recipe, it felt like nothing to write it all out in full detail.

9. Appreciate yourself some more. Remember that you’re a unique and amazing person with so many gifts and talents you are willing to offer. When you keep this in mind, you will find a match.

10. Because all lists should probably end on the number 10, here goes. Enjoy the time off. that’s the biggest regret I have for my periods of unemployment, is that I spent the time worrying and freaking out. You will be employed again or you will work for yourself or you will have obligations on your time in the future. Accept and appreciate the time you have now. In fact, cherish it with all your heart!

If you have something to add to my list, I’d love for you to please comment.

For the music, my friend. Maybe I’ll get to meet you someday.

As I listen to the music you created, I wonder what I’ll leave. We’re all creative beings. I know you stressed about your music when you were alive and people didn’t appreciate it properly. Especially your father. So what else is new there, huh?

Paul Simon’s father thought he was an idiot, too, but I’m afraid on both counts they’re overridden.

My father isn’t here anymore, I’m not sure what he’d think of me these days. But that’s not what this post is about.

It’s about creativity and being who we really are.
What a concept…

Why is it that too many of us wait until we’re old (i.e. retired) to discover our creativity? And power to those who do! It’s sad to think that we’ll get into our 60s and 70s and beyond and do nothing but sit in front of the TV.

Creativity is expressed in lots of ways. It’s not just writing, visual arts and theatre. It’s athletics, it’s building things, it’s making candles or expertly pruning a white pine. Creativity is as endless as human imagination.

With all those choices, why are so many people stuck in front of the TV?

Hmmm, what about planning a really cool vacation somewhere, all on your own without the help of a travel agent. With so many resources on the web it’s really possible now to imagine and create anything you want.

And with so many resources on the web, it’s a plus minus situation. We can be creative and add to the mix, talk about the mix and rant about the mix, or we can get sucked in by the whole thing.

What’s real here? Nothing, really. But it’s fun to write about anyway. I’d love to hear how you express yourself creatively these days! What on earth would Mozart be up to if he were alive today?

Maybe this blog used to be a little edgier, or maybe more people were into reading about retirement and transitions. It could be that people are just feeling thankful to have a job these days and maybe even don’t have the time to read a blog like this one. Or, and probably most likely of all, I’ve slacked off in joining the conversation with others I used to converse with.

Why is that, you say (if you’re even reading this)? Honestly, it’s that I’ve gotten twisted into an internet marketing vortex (ok, learning curve, if you will) that has taken me away from my “beginnings.”

It’s funny how amazingly fast time speeds by these days. Internet time is like the ultimate opposite of geologic time. I have this vague memory of reading about PPC and Clickbank back in 2004. Geez, 5 years ago? And then reading everything I could about affiliate marketing beginning a mere 4 years ago. And taking Yaro Starak’s Blog Mastermind course just a couple of years ago (or has it been 3)?

Yikes, am I becoming jaded or what? I’ve taken other courses since then and while I keep learning new stuff, my income has only risen, well, in geologic time increments. Which is to say, not much at all. Although I am starting to understand this game much better. Which is maybe why I’m becoming jaded.

And, of course in the meantime… the economy took a dive and people had to go back to work and put off their dreams of having the freedom to do something completely new and different. There’s something comforting about having a regular paycheck right now if you’re so lucky to have one.

If you’re not, well, I remember those days all too well in the early 80’s when I wasn’t working at all and freaking out about it the whole time, instead of enjoying myself, which is what I should have been doing. It’s not like I wasn’t enjoying myself at all, but I was spending way too much time worrying. And while I was spending all that time worrying, I had a roof over my head and I had plenty to eat. I had lots of friends and I even took guitar lessons. Shoot, I had all that time!

Guitar lessons now? I wish I had the time. Ok, if guitar lessons were really all that important to me I’d make the time.

But, instead I’m weighing the hours I work and the hours I spend getting backlinks. How crazy is that? It may be crazy, but the more I do it and the better I get at it, it gives me a different kind of joy. In the meantime, I wonder if I should just sell those damn guitars….

So what to make of all this? Probably not much more than the challenge of life and the human game goes on. And if I wrote this same blog post tomorrow, it would be different. Now there’s a challenge.

I’m going to have some fun with this. People often make a big deal about transitions because of the change involved. Transition equals change, right? Transition can be change over time, though, and I think that’s what normally happens. Sure, sometimes change hits us in the head like a brick mortar (does such a thing exist?), but more often than not, transition happens over time.

I have a wine cellar. We buy French Bordeaux futures, then wait for about a year to actually get them and then stick them on their side in the cellar for a few more years before actually drinking them. My transition to retirement feels a little like this right now. And, joyously, I’m actually having some fun thinking about this transition rather than feeling desperate that it’s not here yet!

My transition into retirement began about 3 or 4 years ago. Before then I didn’t think I’d ever stay at a job long enough to retire from it and I certainly never thought I’d have enough money to ever actually retire. But about 4 years ago, I started really getting into the idea of retirement because I was, well, 4 years away from my minimum retirement age and if everything fell into place, the age and the years would have made me eligible for an early retirement.

Well, fast forward those 4 years, here I am at the minimum retirement age, but, well, everything did not fall into place and early retirements being offered may well be a thing of the past. Hey, is it MY fault that I landed right into the whole baby boomer thing?

All kidding aside, this is a blessing in disguise as just about everything in my life up until now has been. I’m serious when I say that. Like a fine wine, I am laying on my side (well not all the time) waiting to ripen and flower. Ok, my money is laying on its side waiting to ripen and flower. I love that analogy.

And, thankfully and joyously, my job has, well transitioned into a place I really enjoy. I really love my job now. Sure, there are parts of it that I can do without, isn’t that true for most jobs? But as I’m enjoying the final years of working at this job, I know there is yet another transition into whatever I’ll do next after I leave this job and do something called retirement.

Popping the cork on that bottle should be pretty awesome.

By Kathie Larsen, PhD

The focus of this article is on helping you figure out how much money you need to make in your business in order to meet your goals.

What is your goal in starting this business?

• To be able to work for yourself, replacing your current job
• To enable you to work more flexibly so that you can take care of a child or a parent, or pursue avocational interests
• To provide something productive to do and a stream of income in your retirement
• To get rich quick

If you marked the last one, you are at the wrong website. Your own business may make you happy, it may support you and your family, but if you ever get rich from your own business, it will be slowly.

How much would I have to earn to replace my current salary?

When you consider how much you would need to make to replace your current salary, there are a number of things to consider.

First, remember that the money coming in isn’t all profit. It took money to bring in those first dollars – probably lots more than what you initially brought in. You had start-up costs, and you have continuing costs in running a business. The money that comes in is your gross. Once you subtract your business expenses, you have your net, or your profit. But even your profit isn’t money you can spend.

Once you have profits (the gross income from your business minus your expenses), you’ll need to start paying quarterly estimated taxes. These estimated taxes are the income taxes that were previously withheld from your paycheck and FICA, your social security and Medicare taxes. When you are an employee, your employer pays half of your FICA and Medicare tax and you pay the other half. But once you are self-employed, you have to pay all of it.

From your first dollar of profit, you owe FICA and Medicare (15%). You also will owe income taxes. While income tax rates are tiered, remember that your marginal tax rate is determined by the household income. So if you have income from other sources or if your spouse has income from other sources, you should probably estimate your marginal tax rate as 25%. Thus, 40% of your profits go to federal taxes. You will also have to consider state and local taxes.

Most people who are salaried workers have some kind of retirement sponsored by their employer. Often it is a 401k that you put money into which is invested for you retirement. Some employers also offer some match of what the employee contributes. For instance, you employer may allow you to contribute up to 10% of your income to the plan, and the employer may match one dollar for every two or four or five dollars you contribute. This money is tax-sheltered and is not taxed until you withdraw it. You do pay FICA and Medicare on the money you contribute, but not on your employer’s contributions.

As someone who is self employed, you can create your own retirement plan. There are two options. One is the SEP IRA, which allows you to contribute up to 20% of your net on a pre-tax basis, up to a maximum of $49,000 in 2009. The other is a SIMPLE IRA, which has a maximum contribution amount of $11,500 in 2009 ($14,000 for people over 50). The SIMPLE IRA contribution is not limited to a percentage of your net income.

An Example: For every $100 of net income to your business, you’ll pay $15 in FICA and Medicare and $25 in Federal income tax. This leaves $60.

But if you contribute to a SEP, you can contribute 20% of your net, $20 out of that $100. That changes your taxes, as this money is tax-sheltered. You do pay FICA and Medicare on the money, but not income tax. So your quarterly taxes would take 15% of $100 ($15) and 25% of $80 ($20). So out of the $100, you’ll find you have $45 that is yours after taxes and your retirement contribution. When you contribute $20 to your retirement plan, and it costs you $15 because of the tax advantage of contributing to a retirement account.

Remember also that being self-employed means no paid vacation, no sick leave. You need to have reserves, money you save out of your profits to allow for this.

Health insurance is also a consideration. Your employer likely pays a significant amount go your health insurance premium. Now you will be paying your whole health insurance premium.

You do get some tax breaks. You get a tax deduction for half of the amount you pay for FICA and Medicare. You also get a tax deduction on half of the health insurance premium you pay.

Do I need to replace my salary?

If, at this point, you are looking at the numbers and thinking there is no way I can replace my salary, consider whether you need to replace your salary.

Many people start their own business as a transition to retirement from their old job. In this case, you are not aiming to replace your salary but to augment your retirement income to bring closer to your old salary.

Also consider whether you can live on less money. Working for yourself is often a lifestyle decision. Being self-employed can give you more flexibility about when and how and where you work. You may be willing to make less money to have the advantage of, say, no long commute or being able to see your children off to school in the morning or to take your mother to the doctor in the middle of the day.

If you believe you can live on less money, try it – not just for a month but for a full year. Not only will this tell you whether you can realistically live happily on less money, but if you save the difference between living on less and spending what you previously did, you’ll have some money saved for starting your business.

Remember that no one starts out replacing his or her salary. The rule of thumb is that it takes 2 years to make money in your own business. “Making money” means different things to different people, but most people take this to mean nearly replacing their salary.

Starting your own business is a good example of the old adage that “it takes money to make money.”

by Kathie Larsen, Ph.D.
So many people I talk with these days want to start their own business. It’s quite appealing, working for yourself, doing something you want to do, being independent. But the finances of starting your own business are scary for most people. The intention of this post is to help them be less scary!

This discussion of the finances of starting your own business is not meant to be comprehensive, but simply food for thought.

What is it you want to do? How do you choose? For some people, a business idea grows out of a passion or a long-time interest. For others, a business idea grows out of the necessity of supporting themselves and their family.

There are many resources to help you draw up a business plan and learn the practicalities of starting a business. Research the business you want to start. The Small Business Administration has people to help you develop your business plan, to ask questions you may not of thought about. Who do you know who has started a small business somewhat like what you want to start? Talk with them, ask questions, and ask them what you haven’t considered in your plan.

To start your own business, you’ll need two kinds of money: Seed money for your start-up costs and money to live on while the business gets up and running. The general rule of thumb is that it takes two years in a new business before one earns enough money to be self-supporting. So what do you do between now and then? For most people, continuing their current job as long as possible before quitting to manage their business full-time makes sense. That means they need to come up with money for start-up costs, but can continue to pay the mortgage and put food on the table with the income from their current job or a while.

But how will I ever start a business if I have to keep working at my job? Finding time to work on your business when you are already working full time is a challenge, no doubt. Some people, mindful of this, save start-up funds for their business. They continue their jobs until the new business needs them full-time, and use their savings to support themselves through the early lean times.

What kinds of start-up costs will you have? Do you need to rent office space, for instance, or can you work from home? Renting an office also means expenses like furniture and perhaps an employee or two. What kinds of supplies and equipment will you need? What kinds of work will you need to contract out?

No matter how small your business plans, it takes money to get your business off the ground. The two questions are how much and where will it come from?

Some start up expenses can be delayed. For instance, you may be able to work out of your home initially, even though you’ll need an office later. Or you may be able to use a computer you already have, even though you’ll need more computer equipment later.

Think about routine business expenses:

Rent
Phone and internet connections
Equipment and supplies
Local taxes, like Business and Occupations taxes. There are also start-up expenses such as getting a business license. Every state, every locality is different. Do your research.

Also think about what kinds of things you will need to contract out or hire a consultant for. Often people are reluctant to hire someone else to do something for the business, especially when no money is coming in, but some things it’s unwise to delay. For instance, I believe that every business needs some sort of web presence. If you aren’t proficient in creating websites, I highly recommend that you hire someone to do it. You can start with a simple site at first (and that may be all you will ever need) and add or elaborate as your business grows. You will probably also need to consult with an accountant even if you plan to do your own taxes initially.

Again, it’s important for you to be informed and always do your research – you should be able to plan for how much money you’ll need initially, then how much more in start-up costs you’ll have in the first year or so.

I thought I was going to retire about 2 months ago. Guess what? I didn’t.

It’s not entirely due to the recession. In fact, I’m liking my job better these days which helps a lot. But, I’m also spending nearly all of my “off hours” working on building a business of my own.

Let’s face it, I don’t want to stay at this job more than another 3 years, max.

Building a business isn’t for the faint-hearted. The biggest lesson learned over the past couple of years is that I have to have a plan and I have to have focus. What does that mean?

My plan is taking shape in a couple of excel spreadsheets right now. I’ve also create an LLC and I’ve gotten a business license. In addition I’ve got a business bank account and VISA card. I’ve even got my own UPS account. Doing this has made it very real for me. On paper I am in business. Come tax time I’ll be reminded of this – but by that time I fully expect to have at least something to report.

My focus? That’s another story. Internet marketing can lead one down a million rabbit holes to nowhere. Without focus my business will get nowhere. I’m getting better at following my plan and not getting caught up in the latest and greatest training that’s offered. In fact, I’m currently getting untangled from something I wish I hadn’t signed on for, but that’s how it goes. It’s making me tougher and helping me to understand that I need to do my homework before signing up.

Of course I am picking and choosing the tools of the trade and I’m finding some really good ones. If there’s any interest in the tools and resources I am choosing, please comment and let me know. I’d be glad to share them.

I’ll most likely write another post in the fairly near future listing what I am using. Believe me, when I don’t like a tool I ask for my money back (there’s one in particular that I was turned onto that turned out to be very problematic – and while I finally got my money back it was a big hassle – make sure there is a trial/money back period… ). The ones I’m using now, I’m very happy with and I find them to be extremely useful. Especially because I’m still working and need all the help I can get if I ever want any time off at all!

Thanks for reading this and please comment with your own experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

This might be a terrible time to write about going back to school after you retire. Where I live (in Seattle), I read new horror stories about state higher education funding being slashed just about every day. At the same time, tuition is going up. All in all, it might seem like both a bad time to retire and maybe even worse time to try to take a college class.

There are other ways to go back to school, though. You can volunteer at a school. Tutors are always in demand and you could even get paid for that. Or you could volunteer as a teacher’s aide in an elementary school classroom. Special education classrooms are usually in need of more people to help out, especially if you have any expertise in this area.

Maybe you’re a great storyteller. You could create your own “storytelling” hours at your local library and become famous with the local kids. They’ll love being entertained by you and you’ll love hamming it up for them.

If storytelling isn’t your thing, but you enjoy being around books, most libraries welcome extra hands to shelve books and answer questions. I’ve worked in libraries and personally love the atmosphere and the people who I’ve worked with.

Another way to earn some money with your own unique skills is to teach a Discover U or other college extension class. Do you have special talents in gardening, martial arts, writing, sports, crafts, travel planning, painting or drawing? How about teaching computer applications, such as Photoshop or Microsoft Excel? I could go on and on.

Speaking of computer skills, if you’re a computer wizard, whether is be programming or networking or systems, you would most likely be welcome at your local community college to work in the lab to keep the systems running and help students with their programming assignments.

These are just a few ideas, some would be volunteer and some might get you a little extra money. Any of them will get you into a new community and out of the house.

And, who knows, you might actually be able to sign up for a class to learn something you’ve always wanted to learn but haven’t had the time before retiring. You can go to an extension class and learn anything from ballroom dancing to oil painting to art history. You may even be able to audit a college class.

Don’t forget to polish an apple for the teacher and if the teacher is you, sink your teeth in and savor every delicious bite!

Today I am minimum retirement age old. This is the birthday I have been waiting for. It’s pretty amazing to me how easily it got here. All that teeth gnashing and groaning about still being at work, all for nothing really.

I can remember four years ago being absolutely certain that I would be retiring on this date. Well, here I am, but I’m not retiring yet!

Thankfully, my job is more enjoyable and satisfying and, of course, that counts for a lot. And, well, it’s a job that I’m not worried about losing. As I read stories in the paper about people who are having anxiety attacks and losing sleep over just worrying about losing their jobs, I feel extremely fortunate.

I feel fortunate not only because I have a job that pays well and that I enjoy, but I also feel fortunate because I crossed a threshold a couple of years ago where I became fully aware that I create my own reality.

Today, if I really hated my job, I could leave it. I’ve reached this milestone where with my employer’s rules of retirement I could walk away with a small pension and health insurance for the rest of my life. Today, I’m choosing not to do that.

There is nothing more empowering than knowing that I am truly the captain of my own ship. I call the shots and I know that the decisions I make are my own. I am not a victim.

I’m also aware that if I watched television for 8 to 10 hours a day as most people do, I might be having needless anxiety attacks about losing my job or about being attacked by a terrorist or fill in the blanks. It’s bad enough reading the newspaper for a couple of minutes every day.

Doesn’t anyone besides me wonder about all the amazingly wonderful things happening to people every day that are not reported in the news? A couple of days ago the Seattle Times was filled to the brim with news of multiple killings. What about killing someone makes it newsworthy?

I’m afraid I’m about to go off on even more of a tangent. A couple of weeks ago I was at the gym. There are TVs in the locker room. There was surprise, surprise, a killing that morning. The TV reporter actually said something to the effect of, “well, it’s been a busy morning, we have lots to report, stay tuned.” Yikes!!!!

Ok, stepping off my tangent because I’ve given this too much air time already, life is a wakeful dream and it’s everything I continue to make it every single minute of every single day. I’m not always wildly happy because, well, I’m human, but I am aware. And that is so very wonderful.

Happy birthday to me!!

In the latest issue of Tricycle there is an interesting article called Why Buddhism Needs the West by David Loy. I’m not sure that this question was answered, but it did raise some timely questions for me, namely about why we are so dissatisfied (or maybe why I have a tendency to be dissatisfied with things going on in my life).

Mr. Loy states, “It’s because our sense of self, being a delusion, is incapable of finding lasting satisfaction.”

Well, ok… That’s a little hard to grasp, or my ego sure finds that hard to grasp. But then he goes on to give examples from history on how it’s not just a personal issue, but a cultural or societal issue. As he puts it, looking at it in Buddhist terms, social/society vs. the cosmos.

In early times, rulers in Asian Buddhist countries “maintained harmony between the state and the cosmos.” In essence, they were considered to be gods by their followers. And any unfortunate circumstances were explained by karma.

Ancient Greeks, on the other hand, were the first to think in ways that are distinctly Western now. That is, they made a distinction between the cosmos and society and believed in individual choice. This was pretty radical for the times.

So, I put together my short list of what may be causes of our dissatisfaction.

Our history
How we compare ourselves with others
Who we are individually
Who we are culturally
What we know and what we’re exposed to (this could be considered a sub item to any of the above items.

Imagine being very poor but having access to a TV. I realize this example has been used before, but it’s relevant. This poor individual, living in, say, Cambodia, watches American TV day in and day out. He sees affluence unimaginable to his life.

But this gets me off track of my own dissatisfaction. After all, I live in the US and by world standards, I am very wealthy. By US standards I am middle class, as long as I continue to work.

However, I don’t want to work, I want to create my own financial independence. I am told that I can and I believe that I can, but I’m not there yet. My father was a self starter. He believed that education was a ticket to working for the man or worse yet, living a lifetime of poverty. He built his own business and did very well. In fact, if he were alive today he would surely be a multi-millionaire from the internet.

When I got my technical degree in Architectural drafting in 1979, he suggested that I create a book of architectural plans to mass market. I didn’t listen then, but now I wish I had!

Even still, I’m doing ok. I actually like my job these days and I have a nice work arrangement. I work with great people and continue to learn new things every day. At the same time, I’m determined to make money on the internet. I’m building a business that I have every intention of being successful.

So, does my dissatisfaction come from my history or from myself? From my ego? Or am I delusional as the Tricycle author states? You know, maybe the delusion of self he was talking about isn’t that hard to grasp after all.