But What Now?

I’m not crazy about the title of this post, but I wanted it to reflect as clearly as possible what the post is about and maybe help others find it someday when they need it. When Bangs was dying and as I was struggling with her end of life decisions, I found a few wonderful articles that others had written while going through the same thing. We’re never alone in this. I also received much comfort and support from friends on Facebook, co-workers, family and the incredible staff at the veterinary hospital where Bangs was a patient (and a very good one) for the second half of her life – or maybe it was her 10 lives.

We made the decision on Monday morning, just 2 days ago, to bring her in and say goodbye. She had stopped eating completely. When she lay on my chest that last night she looked at me and I could see the pain in her eyes. She could no longer walk very well and she hated the subcutaneous fluids. I still have a little bite mark on my chest to remember that by. Bangs was always a very assertive cat, some might say demanding… she always let me know when she wanted something.

I brought her home in June of 1990 when she was a kitten of about 6 weeks old. Her first act after arriving to her new home was to freak out at the sight of our 2 German Shepherds, Hannah and Lucy, who where in their pen at the time. She leaped out of my arms, throwing herself against the pen and then she ran off. We thought we’d never see her again. But she didn’t go far and came back shortly.

Because we lived on kind of a busy side street, I wanted her to be an indoor cat. She was very clear with me that that wasn’t going to work. She loved the outdoors. Because the dogs took up residence in the mud room (it truly was a mud room with those 2) by the back door, I couldn’t put a cat door there, so I opened a hole in the bedroom closet and put it there. She was free to come and go as she pleased. I learned from my neighbors that she was always careful crossing the street and they’d see her blocks away sometimes.

She was also really good at catching birds and mice. I got pretty good at catching birds after awhile because she enjoyed bringing them home for me. Once we heard noises coming out of our cupboard where we stored mugs and glasses only to find a small sparrow in there had shit on about every glass in the cupboard. Usually I was able to save them and send them on their way. Then there was the time she brought a rat into the house. Once she got it home she no longer cared about it. It took me 2 weeks to catch that rat.

When she wanted to look outside she learned to bat the narrow Venetian blinds with her paw and look at me. I trained her well, the blinds always got pulled up for her. In 2004, I moved about 3 hours south during the week for my job and Bangs came back and forth with me. She was a great traveling companion and loved her new fenced in back yard. I’d let her out there knowing by then that she couldn’t scale the fence. She loved it so much that in the early morning she’d bat the long vertical blinds on the sliding glass door in the bedroom and make an amazing racket. Those were times I did not let her have her way, but it never swayed her from trying.

And heat, this cat loved warmth. When she we lived in the first house, she’d sit on the registers on the hardwood floor and just meditate with the heat blowing up onto her. When we moved to the house I’m in now, she found comfort in front of the fireplace and in front of the registers on the wall. When we first moved in here, Sylvia cat was here. Sylvia liked to walk in the duct work and gave Bangs a good scare when she showed up face to face with her through the register. When we moved down to Vancouver, I had a gas fireplace. Once Bangs learned that all I needed to do was flip a switch to get the fire going, she’d just go sit there in front of the fireplace and look at me until I turned it on. Here at home, we’ve stocked up on 4 hour firelogs for years. She rarely went a night without a fire.

This past April our bathroom remodel was completed with a heated floor. She found a favorite spot to lie on it and I still expect to see her there when I go into the bathroom. She also loved laying outside in the sunshine and miraculously, we had a very long spring and summer this year. I really think it helped keep her alive a little longer because once it started getting cold and rainy, she really began slowing down.

Bangs was always very soft and cuddly. She loved being held and kissed on her soft little head. Her fur stayed soft and silky until the end, although in the last couple of years she couldn’t groom herself as well and I needed to comb out the mats more often.

As I write this, I realize that I can’t do justice to her long kittie life in a short blog post. There are so many stories I could tell. At some point I may go through her early pictures and scan them in and create a Bangs photo chronology. For now, writing this post, I am remembering her when she was healthy and alive. She began being treated for kidney disease in 2001 and held steady all these years. She was an amazing little girl with an unlimited store of love and charm and personality. There will never be another Bangs. I’m pretty sure that one day I’ll get another kitten and we’ll bond into a completely different relationship. And Camille, our 4 year old cat, is thankfully here full of love and warmth and spirit. She keeps looking for Bangs in all her usual places. This morning I saw her look behind the door in my office where the heating vent is.

For now, I’m imagining Bangs running with the birds and the butterflies, playing with Hannah and Lucy and Ferter and Sylvia, being carefree, joyful, and free with no more pain. I miss her like crazy still and wait for time to heal this emptiness as I know it will.