But What Now… holds a deeper, more poignant meaning for me these past few days. The cat who has graced my life for the past 19 1/2 years is dying. Her kidney disease which had been treated successfully for nearly 6 years or so is kicking her ass now. Her creatinine and BUN counts when way up last week, we learned when we took her into our vet who has taken such amazing care of her all these years. We took her in after she became listless and stopped eating for 2 days. They kept her on IV fluids all day that Saturday. We brought her home later that day so we could have her with us on Sunday so that she wouldn’t have to spend the whole weekend there alone on IV fluids.
On Monday she went back in and spent 3 nights and 4 days on IV fluids. I brought her back home Thursday evening with her sub-Q fluids and plenty of needles. Her creatinine went down to 6, but not back to the steady 3 it had been holding at for months and months. Giving her the sub-Q fluids is not a big deal, but she’s eating very little and she’s not getting around very well. She can still make it up and down the stairs but she can’t jump up on the bed and she’s moving very slowly.
She’s still beautiful, alert, her fur is soft and dark (she’s a black and white kitty) and she purrs when I hold her. She’s sleeping wrapped in my arms at night and I can’t imagine losing her. I knew I’d have to face this day but damn if it doesn’t hurt worse than anything I can ever remember. She’s my best little buddy and she’s been with me consistently longer than anyone ever, even my family.
I’ve been building her fires, she loves the heat. But she wouldn’t even eat the chicken she loves so much last night from our dinner or the pork tonight. She used to sit by my chair and practically eat half my meal. Now she won’t even eat one piece.
It could be that the anemia caused by the kidney failure is contributing to a lot of this. Her kidney is very small, so I should probably be more amazed that she has lived this long. She really has lived longer than most cats and lord has she been loved. She received an injection of Aranesp (darbepoetin) on Wednesday. Because her kidneys are shutting down they can no longer manufacture the protein that aids in the production of red blood cells. Aranesp works by stimulating the production of red blood cells by the bone marrow. The anemia is most likely causing much of her lack of energy and appetite now. She’ll get another injection of it in 4 days.
I am rambling a bit here (or maybe a lot), this is a reflection of the way I feel about all this. Will the Aranesp help her energy to climb again and will the twice daily administration of sub-Q fluids with the extra potassium and b-12 vitamins help her come around? I don’t know yet. I go from having hope she’ll be with us another 6 months to feeling resigned to letting her go in the next couple of weeks.
To make matters more complicated, my partner and I have our yearly SE Asia trip planned (and paid for, we’ve been planning this for nearly a year). I barely want to go now. We have a housesitter who has taken very good care of Bangs and our other cat, Camille, over the past few years when we’ve gone away, but I wonder if she can take as good care as I can. Hell, maybe she can take better care now because I’m so freaked out and feeling so much grief. Bangs is my emotional litmus test, none of this is escaping her.
For now I need to take it one day at a time and let her call the shots. I can’t force her to eat, although I have a pantry full of new natural cat foods that I’m trying out on her. It’s helping her to eat a little bit anyway. When my grandmother was 99 and in a lot of pain, she wanted to stop eating. She died soon after that. My nearly 20 year old cat is probably around the same age in cat to human years. I’ll love her all I can until it’s time for me to let her go. And when she goes I’ll grieve her with all my heart, and I’ll always remember the most amazing special bond we’ve shared.
